I Need You Now
by SongBird394
Summary: CHAP 21 UP! Finally Set season three and beyond. Marissa and Ryan have never been able to communicate. Senior year is the hardest year yet, and they have to pull together or be torn apart. Can they do it?
1. The fight

Disclaimer--I sadly do not own any small portion of the OC, as much as I would love to and I also don't own the song, "I need you now" by firehouse featured below... please don't sue.

_Here I am_

_At 6 a clock in the morning_

_Still thinking about you_

_It's still hard _

_At 6 a clock in the morning_

_To sleep without you_

_And I know that it might_

_Seem to late for love_

_All I know_

_I need you now_

_More than words can say_

_I need you now_

_I've got to find a way_

_I need you now_

_Before I lose my mind_

_I need you now_

Six thirty was hardly any time for anyone to be awake. And yet here he was, Ryan Atwood, staring at the ceiling, thinking about Marissa. She was so beautiful and gorgeous. Yet, as he was just realizing, she was still very fragile.

He thought that together, they had gotten past Trey and were going to move on, forgetting it ever happened. Apparently not. Marissa was having nightmares and what was Ryan's answer? Go back to sleep, I'll talk to you in the morning!

Could he have been any colder? Of course he wasn't at his best at 4 A.M. but honestly who was? The least he could have done was offered to come over and sleep there for the night, or just get up really early.

It had only been less than a week since he had confessed his belief to her that his future rested with her. Now he couldn't even spare her a few hours of sleep? He hated these kinds of things, words and feelings were so hard to express to anyone. With Marissa, he knew he needed to get them out, he felt a need to try. However, how and when was hard for him to decide.

Ryan shook his head quickly to try and dispel the thoughts he had been having since Marissa called. Maybe Marissa was over it and he was over-reacting. That could be possible; in fact, it was more likely than her not sleeping like him.

As he rolled out of bed and headed to the shower, Ryan almost had convinced himself that everything was okay with Marissa.

_Here I am_

_I'm looking out my window_

_I'm dreaming about you_

_Can't let go_

_At 6 a clock in the morning_

_I feel you beside me_

_And i know that it might _

_Seem to late for love_

For love 

6:31 the clock read, as Marissa glanced at it for what seemed like the thousandth time. She wondered about Ryan, if he was sleeping soundly, he had probably slept perfectly. It was still completely baffling how he had shrugged her off. Why didn't Ryan understand how much she needed him? Hadn't he just committed himself to their relationship? Maybe he just didn't want to deal with her problems anymore.

Summers loud snort broke her thoughts away from Ryan for a brief second and brought her back to the night of… the night Ryan was in Miami. She thought of Trey holding her, touching her, she closed her eyes and whimpered a little bit. A single tear ran down her face as she shuddered.

She needed to get away. She needed to forget all this happened. She needed to stop having nightmares. She needed Ryan.

"Coop, come on, we're gonna be late." Summer shouted up the stairs to Marissa.

"Just a sec Sum, I'm just fixing my makeup, after last night, I need it."

"You always look perfect, you are the OC Barbie always. Come on, or else we can't meet Ryan and Seth before school!"

Marissa walked down the stairs, and paused in front of the hall mirror.

"I can't make it, I have to study for this Chem test thing… Tell them I'm sorry, k?" She said as she touched her hair one last time before turning away and grabbing her backpack.

Summer looked puzzled for a quick second. "Wait, why didn't you study like, last night? Besides Coop, you haven't seen Ryan in like three days!"

"I'll live, Sum… I have to do well, I mean getting kicked out of a prep school already will look bad on my application to any university so…"

"K fine, but like, tonight? Can we meet up at least? It's been so long for all four of us, this year has to be all-time!"

"Watch out, you're starting to sound like Seth." Marissa walked out the door.

"Oh my god, take that back!" Summer squealed as she chased after Marissa and closed the door.

20 minutes later, Summer walked into the Cohen house alone, and heard Seth's excited voice, talking to Ryan.

"Okay, so if you go to those three stores and buy out their stock and I cover the two on the west-side, then it's a guarantee!" Seth finished as Summer walked in and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.

"What's this elaborate plan?" She inquired as she grabbed a plate and made for the bagels.

"Well-- " Ryan began.

"It's nothing, where's Marissa?" Seth cut in and smiled.

"Oh, she couldn't come, something about a chem test she forgot to study for. She said she'd be happy to hang out after school, hang here or whatever. Now, what was the plan?"

"Oh, too bad. Uh, yeah after school sounds okay I guess, I have been slammed with homework but I haven't seen her in a few days. I have to run an errand after school… it seems someone wants all the cereal in California to be bought so they can have the complete Star Wars set of action figures." Ryan replied and then turned to leave as Summer got an idea and turned to Seth.

"Cohen, you're a dork, but for today it's a good thing. Ryan, we'll get the action figures because I need to shop… yes. I must. Great, now haul ass bitches or we'll be late."

"Okay Seth, do you remember the plan?"

It was 3:30 that afternoon and Seth and Summer were sitting on the Cohen couch.

"Yeah, we're supposed to say that we'll go get the action figures quickly but take a while so we leave Marissa and Ryan together alone but I don't get why." He replied.

"Look, Marissa needs him right now and I'm sure if they talk about it, then they will both feel better. Then everything can be like it used to be and go back to normal."

"Summer, I don't mean to worry you but you're sounding exactly like me, it's a bit freaky." Seth yelped as Summer smacked him in the arm.

"Shut up! I am not."

Well, she had done her best to avoid meeting him today, even up to the test that she hadn't actually had to study for. Now she was getting out of the car and going into his house to spend the night with him. At least Seth and Summer would be there, they could kind of keep the conversation away from her dreams. She definitely didn't want to talk about them. Clearly, Ryan didn't care and the fact he didn't only hurt her a little bit more.

These nightmares were coming more and more frequently and getting even more vivid. It was getting to the point where even closing her eyes scared her. Somehow, someway she needed to get over this.

She walked in just as Summer rounded the corner and they nearly collided.

"Hey, Coop you're here, great. We're just off to grab a few things but we'll be back in like, an hour or two, k? Great, Cohen let's go."

"Wait, what? I mean, I thought we were all hanging out…together?" Marissa said, taking a step away from the door.

"Well, you know Cohen, he hears Star Wars and he's lost. Look, we'll be back, besides I mean, you want to spend time alone with your boyfriend right?"

"Yeah, sure I mean, it's just…" Marissa started but abruptly stopped as Ryan appeared in the doorway, coming from the kitchen.

Whoa. Almost started out on the wrong foot. If he heard anything about the dream, he'd

just dismiss it. I don't want him to think I'm a whiner.

"Hey," he smiled, "What's up? Missed you this morning."

Wow, Ryan thought to himself; she looks amazing. I guess she really did go back to sleep. Well, he thought to himself, maybe it was just a one-time thing. She could be completely over it and probably didn't want to have to talk about it. What a relief. And he had been worried, thinking up things to say to her.

"Oh you know," Marissa replied, "Failed the test anyway, I think. Shoulda picked breakfast anyway."

"Well, we're gone," Summer said and pulled Seth out as soon as he came down the stairs with the keys.

"Later guys, have fun…. Talk."

Ryan and Marissa stared at each other for a few seconds after the door closed. They were alone, normally they would just go to the poolhouse for some down time together. But both of them could tell that wasn't an option now. In fact, neither of them knew what to do.

"Yeah, I hate nomenclature." Ryan finally said, breaking the silence.

"What?" Marissa inquired.

"Oh well, you said Chem and I just, I don't like it either."

"Right… yeah of course. I guess, I just didn't get enough sleep last night to do so well."

As soon as she said it, she wished she could take it back. She hadn't even had a test! And now she was making up excuses for failing it and bringing up the one thing she really didn't want to talk about.

Time seemed to just stop in the room. Ryan looked up and gazed directly into her eyes. He wasn't sure what she meant by that, what was he supposed to say? He was so lost; he couldn't possibly figure this one out. But he had to say SOMETHING.

"Uh, well… you look like you slept fine, you look… great."

"Well, looks aren't everything. In fact, they're deceiving." Marissa replied, her tone dipping into an icy temperature.

"I just meant… I mean… I don't know what I mean, I don't know what you want me to say, and I don't know what you want from me!" Ryan fumbled, then his frustration took over.

"I shouldn't have to tell you. That's the problem!" Marissa screamed back, all her anger rising to the surface.

"I can't just read your mind Marissa! I really can't. I don't know what you're thinking. It was practically yesterday when I TOLD you that my future was with you, when I stayed for you. Doesn't that mean anything to you? Doesn't that count for something?"

"That has nothing to do with this, of course it meant something. But how can it mean anything now if when I need you the most, you're not there?"

The room fell silent. Marissa started to cry, looking away. Ryan started to say something and stopped. He looked at her.

"I'm standing right here. Look, I don't know what you need. But I don't want to fight… why don't we just forget…" Ryan said.

"I can't! We can't ignore it forever Ryan, we can't. You might be right here in front of me, but you're not there. Not for me."

And with that, Marissa left and Ryan watched her go. He didn't know what she wanted or how he could give it to her but he needed to know. He couldn't lose her, he needed her. Why couldn't he just tell her that?

**A/N- next chapter should be up tomoro or so. R&R if you so choose.**


	2. The night

It was almost midnight when Summer got home that night. She made her way to her bedroom, expecting to find a very distraught Marissa. Instead, she found a note, saying that Marissa was going out, she didn't know when she'd be back but to call her cell if need be.

Summer looked at the clock one more time. This was totally not like Marissa at all. Even if she had a fight with Ryan, which she clearly had, judging by Ryan's refusal to leave the poolhouse all night and Marissa's disappearance.

Uncertain of what to do, she did the one thing she could, picked up her cell and dialled Marissa's number. Since the phone went right into voicemail, she said,

"Coop, hey, it's me. Where are you? It's like really late and I'm worried about you. I know you and Ryan had a fight, so call me back and we'll talk k? Bye."

After another half hour, Summer was getting REALLY scared. It was late, she didn't know where Marissa was and she knew that when it came to problems, Marissa didn't handle them well to start with. Completely lost, she picked up the phone and called the Cohens.

"Hello?" A tired and groggy Seth answered after 7 rings.

"Hey, Cohen, I need to talk to Ryan. Is Marissa there?"

"Hey whoa. You call late at night, wake me up out of bed and then ask for my best friend and his girlfriend? That's sad."

"COHEN! I'm serious is she there? She's not here, she isn't answering her cell and I don't know where she might be. Do you think Ryan knows?"

"Hey, whoa, okay calm down, I'll ask him, I'm sure they're all over each other in there. In fact, I'm not sure I want to go back in there and have a repeat of last week, too bad the poolhouse is never rockin' cuz Seth came a-knockin'."

"Ew." Summer said but Seth's words made her feel better, they always did.

Seth crossed the yard in his robe and knocked on the door to the poolhouse. After a few minutes without a response, he tried the door and it was open. Summer asked what was going on, he replied

"I don't know, Ryan's not in his bed so I guess he's with her, see no need to worry."

"Seth what are you doing in here, in the middle of the night…wearing Kirsten's slippers?"

A scream echoed into the phone and Summer nearly dropped the phone.

"Marissa!" She asked, terrified.

"No, no… it…it… was just me." Seth managed to gasp, after dealing with the shock of Ryan's appearance. "Dude that was so not cool and the slippers were closest to the door."

Ryan smirked at Seth and then repeated his first question again.

"Oh, Summer is looking for Marissa…she hasn't seen her, so she wondered if…"

Seth was cut off as Ryan grabbed the phone.

"Summer? What's going on? Where do you think she might be? Is she okay?" He stammered.

"Whoa, Chino, I don't know, I was calling to ask you the same. Her cell isn't on."

"K, I'm going to go check out the lifeguard stand, you keep trying her cell, I'll take mine and if she shows up, just call me." Ryan said as he pulled on his leather jacket and headed out the door.

"Okay, I'll just stay here and…" But Ryan was gone and Summer had hung up.

The winds whipped the sand around the beach as Ryan pulled up to the deserted parking lot. Marissa's car was nowhere in sight but he still checked the tower. No one was there. He looked around for signs of Marissa, but he didn't see anything to indicate she had been there. With nothing else to do he slid down the wall and sat. And thought.

This was his fault, if only he had told her what she needed to hear. Not that he knew exactly what that was. But if he hadn't gotten mad, if they could have kept talking, she wouldn't be somewhere alone, sad and hurting. They could be together. Everything was so much better that way. Maybe he just had to tell her that. That he wanted to be there for her but he wasn't sure how. As he sat, watching the waves roll in and out, he decided the next time he saw her, that he would tell her exactly that. He closed his eyes wearily, happy to finally have a plan. But what could he do with it? All he could do was sit. And wait.

Bang! Summer jerked awake after spending a night asleep on the chair beside her bed. She supposed she hadn't made it through the night at all. She glanced at the source of the noise, to find Marissa sitting on the floor, in a heap.

"Whoa, so there's a chair there." She said to Summer smiling. "Hey, sorry I didn't call back, I didn't get it til now. I turned my phone off and just… let go."

"What are you talking about?" She glanced at the clock. "It's five in the morning, where could you possibly have been?"

"Oh, I got home and started to do homework but Johnny called and asked if I wanted to come over and watch a few movies. So I mean, after everything, I just went. I needed to calm down, spend some time away from my problems with Ry--"

"Oh my god. Ryan! I have to call him, oh no. This is bad. Very bad."

"What? What's going on? Why would you call MY boyfriend?"

"Crap! See last night, I didn't know where you were and I was worried." Marissa gave her an apologetic look. "So then I called Cohen to see if you were there and then he asked Ryan, and Ryan just flipped out, like totally went everywhere to find you, then I fell asleep and I.."

"Oh, well, don't worry. He probably found some way to justify sleeping" Marissa said, the pain she had tried blocking out was slowly coming out. Summer gave her a look that clearly showed he disbelief.

Summer phoned Ryan and on the first ring, he picked it up.

"Hey, have you heard anything? What's up?" He rushed the words but they sounded tired. In the background Summer heard the ocean calmly drawing breaths in and out.

"Yeah, she just got home, she's okay. Don't worry, she's fine. No… uh… she just went to Johnny's for some down time. She couldn't deal with…" Seeing the mortified look on Marissa's face made her change her tact.

"I mean she didn't want to do her homework and so… I don't know, watched movies I think. Look, she's just right here I can give her the phone if…"

Marissa shook her head emphatically no but Summer ignored her. "Uh, yeah, if you're sure you don't… look I'm sorry I didn't call sooner, I feel awful, I fell asleep, I didn't mean to leave you worrying all night…Oh, ok then, call Cohen and let him know? Kay, bye." And with that Summer hung up the phone.

"Sum? How could you tell him I was at Johnny's like that? Things were bad enough, now it will be even harder…"

"Look Coop, I don't know what's up exactly but I do know that whatever it is, you should be able to talk to Ryan about it. And doing what you did last night was really selfish, I mean sure I don't get to tell you what to do but think about how much worrying you caused not just me but… Ryan… Ryan was awake all night just waiting. He didn't know what to do. Come on Marissa, you both need to talk. He's down by the pier, meeting Set. Go talk to him."

"I guess, it's hard. It hurts Sum. I need him to be there."

"Why don't you tell him that?"


	3. The bandaid solution

Marissa pulled her car into the parking lot and gazed around. She looked around, knowing she had to find Ryan but something inside told her he wasn't there. The wind whipped the sand around her as she got out of the car and she felt caught in a force greater than her. Last night had been the first night where she hadn't been plagued by Trey as she slept. It was just, being able to talk about it made it feel less scary somehow. Like, maybe then if she got everything out, there would be nothing left.

Sighing, she closed the door and stepped onto the curb. She walked towards the diner and saw Seth sitting in a booth by himself. She went in and moved towards his table.

"Hey, what's up?" she inquired.

"Oh, not much, you know just deciding whether the walls are baby blue or sky blue, can't really tell you know how that goes… it's rough. Like Ryan was supposed to be here a half hour ago, seriously man. I dunno where he is. Speaking of, you're cool after going AWOL last night?"

"Oh, yeah. So you haven't seen him? That's too bad, we need to talk. If you see him.." she trailed off.

"Oh, yup, sure."

"K, good. Uh, you tried his cell?"

"K I'm a nerd, not an idiot."

"Alright, just checking."

And with that, she turned and left the table, then the diner. She couldn't tell if she was happy or sad. She didn't really know what she was. She knew the talk would have to come and she knew Ryan would be upset over her spending the night with a different guy, even Johnny. Ryan probably wouldn't overreact though, at least she didn't think so. So it wasn't like she was worried about that. The truth was, she didn't know why she was dreading talking to him, except that she was.

Looking out at the sea, the waves crashing together, suddenly she just knew. She was beginning to think that maybe this was something that couldn't be overcome. This was something that had the power to destroy her relationship with Ryan. That little trickle of fear spun through her system and weighed her down on the spot for many seconds.

'No' she thought! 'Not after everything we have been through. It has always been something or someone but it will not be because of us, it just can't.'

They were in love with each other, that much was clear. And she definitely wasn't ready to give up on their relationship yet. In fact, she was going to make it happen.

'Think Coop, think!' she said out loud. "Where would Ryan go?"

"Well, he would go to the lifeguard tower hoping to talk things over with his girlfriend first. Then he'd spend the night there thinking maybe she would at some point go there. After finding out that she had been with a different guy the entire night, he'd wander the shore deciding whether to be angry, sad or relieved." A voice behind her said and as soon as the voice started, she knew it was Ryan.

She turned slowly to face Ryan. She glanced up and down him; he looked so tired and worn. Immediately all her previous fears were erased, just seeing how worried he had been made her realize what she said. Unsure of herself she decided to start off with the basics.

"And what did you decide?" She looked down and away, couldn't bear to hear him say he was disappointed, wanted to know he was okay with it or at least angry… anything other than the hurt she saw on his face.

"I don't know…" He said and just looked away too. A shutter had seemingly been closed around him. Marissa saw it come down but was powerless to stop it.

"Don't… don't shut me out. We need to talk about this," Ryan still didn't look up. "Please… what did you decide?"

Ryan sighed. "A bit of all three I guess." Looking into her deep blue eyes.

"I…I'm sorry" she said " We fought and everything was going wrong, I didn't know what to do… I just had to talk about it and I went to a place where I could…" She started.

"No wait," Ryan interrupted, "Don't be sorry… it's not your fault. I was relieved because you're all right Marissa and I spent the entire night thinking maybe… maybe you wouldn't be and I had said all that stuff. We fought… I couldn't bear to think that maybe, maybe… you wouldn't be coming back to the poolhouse or something. So, I'm sorry. I was sad because we have a problem here and we just can't seem to get rid of it. And then I was angry…"

"Well, I know why, for that…" Marissa interrupted.

"No, you don't," Ryan replied and reached over to touch her cheek, then putting the hair that the wind was blowing around, behind her ear. "I was mad at myself…because it's messed up because of me… I just, I don't talk so much and it's hard… but like I've always said I wanna make this work, no matter what. If I need to talk, then I will. This is the best thing in my life right now and I don't wanna lose you."

A single tear fell down Marissa's face. She was speechless. Something lingered in the back of her mind but she pushed it away, figuring they could talk about that later, after everything he had just said, she needed to absorb it.

"You won't. She said, simply. I know just because… I love you, Ryan Atwood. You make me smile when I get up in the morning and smile when I go to bed."

Grinning, Ryan leaned over, and their lips met in a passionate kiss that held in a promise of more for later. He kissed her and time seemed to stop for them both.

"I'm sorry." Ryan said as their lips came apart. "But we can make this work, I know it." He wrapped his arms around her and gave her his sweatshirt when she shivered. "So, why don't we go back to the poolhouse for, uh a little while. I've missed you."

"Don't think I don't know what you're asking for." Marissa smiled at him. "But I think I have some free time right now, if you can make it quick." She said with a twinkle in her eye.

Turning to her, Ryan said "Well, I do better when I take my time but I can do quick."

"Oh, I know" Marissa said and laughed as they separated to drive their cars back to the Cohen house.

An hour and a half later, Marissa was gathering all her things from around the poolhouse, looking slightly dishevelled. Ryan stood watching her, in only his boxers.

"Do you have to go?" He asked. Kissing her for a long time, again. She broke away.

"Yeah, can't do that to Summer two nights in a row, besides I do have some homework to do. And a Chem Test."

"Another one?" Ryan asked, looking doubtful. Marissa looked away guiltily.

"Okay, fine. The other day I didn't have one, I just… didn't want to fight or argue so I just…avoided the situation."

Ryan breathed in deeply and closed his eyes and brushed his hands over them.

"I get it," He said after a lengthy period, "But it's all better now, we know we can talk to each other about anything. Everything is fine now." He smiled.

As she turned to go, it hit her like a slap in the face. What had been bothering her before suddenly was clear. They had gotten over their fight, but they hadn't talked about what caused it at all. They hadn't talked about Trey. And that was what she needed most.

Ryan might think everything was perfect but it was far from it. How could she tell him that?


	4. The Rift

**A/N- Hello all. Hope you are enjoying the story so far. I've been having a little bit of trouble with this chapter because I haven't been able to decide in which direction I want to take the story. But anyway. Enjoy this chapter and I'll try to update sometime before this weekend.**

"So dude, things are cool now?" Seth asked Ryan as he passed him the coffee pot.

"Yeah man, I mean we're not fighting anymore. It's great… Plus I mean it's great that the four of us can hang without tension and stuff. It gives us time to just be a couple." Ryan said pouring himself a cup of coffee.

"Yeah, the ladies do love the number four. And it's been like a week man, so I mean that's going on a record. You're due for a throw-down, give her a little bit of this, a bit of that." Seth mimicked a horrible boxer, throwing errant punches.

"Uh… no I mean, we talked this time, I think it's different, this last time we definitely got past some stuff." Ryan replied, heading to the door to the poolhouse.

"I didn't make the laws of Ryan/Marissa coupledom dude! I just follow them." He ducked as Ryan threw an apple at him.

"So Coop, things between you and Ryan are good now huh?" Summer asked as she and Marissa got dressed.

"Well, I mean, we got over the small thing from the fight but it's like neither one of us wants to bring up the bigger topic. Well… I mean I don't want to and Ryan doesn't even seem to know it's there. But for now, at least we can hang. I love having you guys there and all but I think we need to spend some time alone, just the two of us." Marissa said, looking at Summer. "You understand, right?"

"Totally Coop. Honestly, it seems like we've only been hanging with you and Ryan lately. For like… this entire week since you made up. Oh, a week. And you said you were going to talk soon? And you guys were doing so well!"

"Sum, we're not going to fight or breakup or anything, we just need to talk so we can get past the major stuff, I've thought about it and as much as I want to pretend Trey didn't happen, I can't. But after last week, I'm sure Ryan will get it… I think." She said with a smile and a shrug.

"Well, if you're sure. But he totally loves you so, don't worry about that. He cares. So let's go over to the Cohen's. You and Ryan go to like… the pier and I'll keep Supergeek occupied in his room." Summer said as she applied the finishing touches to her hair.

"Yeah, not even gonna ask about that." Marissa said, as Summer whipped a pillow at her.

"So, Summer called and the girls are like two minutes away." Seth said, entering the poolhouse a few minutes later.

"Oh… okay," Ryan said emerging from the bathroom in only shorts. "I thought we could chill here, go for a swim or something. Whatever."

"Well, actually, I was hoping we could go to the pier and spend some time together there." Marissa said as she walked in. She paused, looking at Ryan without a top on. God, he was hot.

"Oh, well, what do you guys think?" He said, turning to Seth and Summer.

"I could totally go for a…" Seth started to say but got cut off.

"No Cohen… no you can't. Because I have something to tell you and it's really private… but we need to be in your room…" Summer said, pulling Seth's arm.

As they walked away, they could hear Seth say something along the lines of being less obvious about needing Seth's hot self. Smiling, Ryan turned to grab the nearest wifebeater. Walking up to him, Marissa slipped her arms around his shoulders and wound her arms to the back of his neck and pulled him down to her for a long kiss.

"Whoa, I missed you too." He said, as they pulled apart. He kept his arms on her waist and stood looking at her. "You always look so…" He trailed off. He didn't know how to say what he thought of her beauty.

She smiled, she knew what he was thinking. "Yes, well you're not so bad yourself. In fact, I nearly wanted to attack you when I walked in."

Ryan blushed a little. "So, why don't we just… stay here and, see where we get. I mean, the pier, here it's all the same."

"Uh, well I wanted to go somewhere where we could just talk, you and me. It's been like a week, so I thought we could."

"Mmmmm, I like where we are right now." Ryan said, kissing Marissa again, deeper, somehow trying to convince her that this is what she wanted to be doing.

Marissa pulled away from the kiss, she wasn't sure if Ryan meant that he was happy in the relationship or just in their location. Either way, she wanted and needed to talk, so she had to be strong. "It'll just be for awhile, we can come back here after and…"

If that was all Ryan could get, he would take it, although grudgingly. He hoped what she had to talk about was important.

"So what do you wanna talk about?" Ryan asked about a half hour later, as they sat on the beach side-by-side, watching the ocean. "Your dad? I mean it must be rough with him gone and stuff, maybe your mom?"

"Oh. No." She said. "I wanted to talk about us."

Ryan's face relayed the shock that spread throughout him. Them? What could they possibly talk about? He thought that they had gotten past it. Hadn't they? He restrained the urge to say 'again'. And just managed to say "Oh."

"Hey, look it's not like I think there's something wrong. It's just that I need for us to talk, you know… about Trey." Ryan stiffened.

"You need to what? I thought… I mean didn't we say we would put it behind us… and I thought…"

"Well, I mean, you thought, right? But we haven't talked about it. And I need to talk about it. I thought I could ignore it but I can't. I just… I don't know. Don't you kinda understand?" Marissa asked.

"Well…" Ryan started. The truth was he didn't understand what he could do or say that would make it better, he started to worry she was rethinking them working because of Trey. So he did what came natural, he defended himself by lashing out. "No, I don't know what's going on. I thought everything was going good. But Seth is right, it's a weekly event! Do you NEED drama in your life? DO you? I don't know what comes over you. Last week we talked about… stuff. I thought I made it clear. Do you need a guy who tells you he loves you all the time he loves you, and talks about his feelings all the time? Cuz I'm not that guy." He forced out angrily, getting up from the sand.

Ryan's words cut her more than any physical assault could have. But she had wanted to talk about it and if he needed to be mean, then she had to fight through it. "I get that you don't wanna talk about Trey…" I really do, I know it sucks. I don't blame you Ryan. I don't. I just need… I…" She broke off, she said, standing too.

"Oh wait, is there where I'm supposed to know what you need? " He retorted.

"No, that's when I was going to tell you what I needed but what's the point? You clearly can't talk about this without getting upset. Forget it, I need to go home.

"Wait, you started it let's finish it, why can't we?"

"Because you're acting like an ass. Maybe for once, you need to stop thinking that I'm blaming you for Trey, or even think of him as a part of you. Maybe you need to stop defending yourself. And just…help me." With that, she broke off and ran, ran to get away from Trey, to get away from Ryan, to get away from the horrible fear that was increasing in her mind; this might have the power to split them apart.

Ryan watched her go until he couldn't see her anymore. He had a sinking feeling that maybe… just maybe… he had made a mistake. He turned back to the ocean, and gulped. How could he make it up to her, and more importantly, would Marissa even care if he tried?

**A/N-Okay, so that is Chapter 4. I'm deciding whether or not to continue, depending on who actually cares. SO if you would like me to continue, drop a review saying so or if you think I should do something new, that's welcomed... just wondering about public opinion.**


	5. The needs

Three days. Threeeeeeeeeee days. Three days had past and not even a word had been exchanged between them. He had called, she hadn't answered. It was getting to the point where Ryan was beginning to think maybe he had made a mistake big enough to be the final nail in the coffin of Ryan and Marissa. These were the thoughts racing through his mind on that particularly cloudy day when a knock sounded at his door.

"Marissa?" He mumbled. His hopes soared; maybe they would get a chance to talk about it. He called out "Come in, it's open." And quickly stood.

He couldn't hide the surprise on his face when he saw who was at his door. "Summer?" he inquired. "What are you doing here? Lose Seth?" He tried to joke. Meanwhile his mind was going crazy, he hadn't fought like this with Marissa, Summer showing up, was this like a breakup sign?

"Uh… no, he's actually staying at the school tonight, something about comics, I stopped listening."

"Right… uh, so what are you doing HERE?"

"Look Ryan, I know we don't like… talk but Coop is my best friend. And like… I'm dating Seth so I mean… I hope you don't think I'm prying but…"

"Oh, yeah. Look I don't wanna talk about Marissa and me, if that's what you mean. I just… I screwed up, and I know it but I don't know how to make up for it or how it got so bad."

Summer looked at the hurt Ryan seemed to be feeling, never before had she seen vulnerability coming from him. She hoped with everything she had that Marissa wouldn't hate her for what she was about to do.

"Look, Ryan, I know this is like… totally not up to me. And if Marissa knew, she'd kill me but you guys are both so upset… neither of you will even leave your rooms…"

"Really?" Ryan said, sounding a little too needy and hopeful. "I mean, I just thought that since she was avoiding me…well…"

"No… she isn't. She clearly loves you, you ass. She just… well, look. When Trey left, who helped you get through it the most?"

"Well… Marissa, I guess, we both got through it together or at least I thought we had."

"Shut up. I talk." Summer said with a smile. "You listen. Sure, it was Marissa and why? Think about how she helped you. Was it because she had profound words to say or talked through it, all of your past with you?"

"No. Of course not. It was because she was…" And he stopped. All of a sudden everything that had been happening made sense. He was an idiot. He had to make her understand he knew he was an idiot. He didn't deserve her. "…There." He finished.

"Ryan, she needs you right now and she's too proud to come right out and say, 'I need you now.' And she is too afraid that if she reaches out you won't be there for her. She doesn't need words, all she needs are two words."

"I'm here." He said. Summer glanced at him with a highly confused face.

"Yeah, I know, we're like… talking?"

"No, those are the words I need to say."

"Oh… yeah." Summer said.

"All this time… I have to have a plan."

"Yes, you need something big. But I happen to be able to make miracles happen, if you recall last Chrismukkah…"

"You know what Summer, I think this one needs to be all me. But thanks." He smiled at her. As she turned to leave, he stopped her by saying "I really appreciate this, you don't know how much."

"Well, I'm actually selfish. It's too hard to sleep beside a sobbing lump of sadness three nights in a row. Good luck."

He walked her over to the door and gave her a hug. He was in a good mood, a great mood. He had a solution. Summer at first was surprised and then hugged him back. "Go get her." She smiled, and then left. Ryan turned back towards the poolhouse and started to plot.

"Summer… wait! I might have a plan but I need one favour…"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Summer, I don't see why I need to be blindfolded!" Marissa said, as Summer drove the car, it was dark and she really didn't feel like being blind. The last time she hadn't been able to see was when… Ryan brought her to the beach and they had slept together that first time. But she wouldn't think of that. Or she'd try not to.

"Look Coop… you have been like, majorly depressed and sooooooomebody had to do something, it was getting to be pretty sad. So, don't complain. Trust me you'll thank me later."

Somehow Summer's words sounded like even she was unsure. Before she had a chance to inquire, Summer started talking again.

"So Coop, I brought you to the one place where I knew you would feel better."

"Sum, it's not like… shopping is it? I mean, I just don't feel like it…plus my mom doesn't really have a place yet so…"

"Nah, it's not. We're almost there I just need to grab something at this store. Promise me you won't take the blindfold off Coop, please? I just want you to feel better okay?"

Marissa sighed. "Fine, I do appreciate it Sum."

Summer got out of the car and Marissa exhaled deeply. At first she had been suspicious of Summer wanting to take her out but even she had to admit she needed to get out of the house. Not talking to Ryan was pretty much killing her. But she could not find it in her to face his complete oblivion of her. If she did again, she might say things that broke them up for good. She had to admit it, getting out was good.

The door to the car opened and Summer got back in. She put the radio on and turned out of the driveway.

"You know Sum, thanks for this… I can't act like we're broken up yet huh? I mean cuz we aren't so…"

She waited to hear Summer's thoughts but none followed. Puzzled, she just sighed and settled into the seat. With her eyes closed, and her mind open, she could almost see Ryan. Images of him flowed through her mind: The wind blowing through his hair, him standing only in shorts, him holding her. She could almost even smell him. She breathed deeper. Wow, she missed him so much I now she was even smelling him.

"I miss him, Sum, I know that I can't ignore it all but I wish somehow it could be behind us." She released a tiny, helpless sob and turned to the driver's seat. "Can we please go home?"

The car stopped. Something was off. Something was happening and Marissa knew something was different.

"Sum…?"

She felt a hand touch her blindfold and take it off. Her mouth fell open in shock.

"RYAN!" She exclaimed. "What are you doing here? Where's Summer?"

"I need to… we need to talk. Please."

She nodded, she knew they did. Glancing up, she realized they were at the Cohen's.

"I know, I know." Ryan said. "Why here right? Like I couldn't think of something better… but we had the pier, the beach, the diner… all these places to go. But I thought… it all started here, it seemed to be the best place for us, tonight."

Marissa smiled a little, she was mad but seeing him fumbled helped a little bit. "It's fine." She said.

She stepped into the dark poolhouse, lit 7 candles in a row, and followed by one unlit candle. Sitting beside it were three packages. Ryan walked over to the cd player and pushed play. Immeditaly James Blunt's raspy voice singing 'You're Beautiful' filled the room.

Marissa and Ryan stared at each other.

_My life is brilliant, my love is pure._

_I saw an angel, of that I'm sure._

"Look, I know you don't want to talk to me, right now at least. And I'm sorry I practically kidnapped you or heard things you meant to tell Summer but, we needed to talk, I couldn't think of any other way…" A long silence filled the room.

_You're beautiful, you're beautiful, you're beautiful it's true_

_I saw your face,_

_In a crowded place,_

_And I don't know what to do,_

_Cuz I'll never be with you_

"This song, reminds me of when I first met you on the driveway and then after, at that fashion thing." He said, glancing away. "I didn't think we'd ever…"

_And I don't think that I will see her again_

_But we shared a moment that will last to the end_

"…But there was something about you…"

_You're beautiful, you're beautiful, you're beautiful it's true_

_There must be an angel, with a smile on her face,_

_When she thought up that I should be with you_

_But it's time to face the truth, _

_I will never be with you._

It ended. Marissa stood there. Ryan watched her.

"Look, Ryan, I really appreciate this but I can't just ignore…"

"I don't want you to… I don't expect you to. All I need is for you to give me this night, to show you. Please."

"O- Okay."

He took a deep breath, this was going to be long and hard.

"I know I messed up big. And it wasn't the big things; it was a little thing I overlooked. I know you don't need the extravagant. I thought about taking you to some fancy place and telling you everything I would tell you here. But when it came to it, would it mean as much? We have such a history, I thought this would be best." He took a deep breath. "I don't know what came over me. I guess I felt like a failure for not being able to help you through Trey like you helped me. So I just lashed out. I never once thought about what you needed. It didn't occur to me. I thought; she knows I love her, enough right? But no. And that's what you were trying to tell me. I get it now. I get it all." Marissa started to tear up.

"Marissa, take your time, take all the time. IF you wanna talk about Trey we will, if you wanna sit and cry, go ahead and if you need to call in the middle of the night, do it because I am here for you. I always have been and I always will be. This will not destroy us. Those 7 candles over there were barriers that we overcame. Trey, Oliver, Theresa, Lindsay, Luke, Alex, and DJ. The last candle is for this, I want to light it sometime tonight, if you are ready."

Marissa had long ago started to cry and she just reached out and hugged Ryan. Then she nodded into his chest.

"I want to talk about Trey, just not right now, it would ruin…"

"Tomorrow? Okay. Now," He leaned over and grabbed the packages, and handed her the first one. "Open it." He instructed.

She smiled and did so. "Glue? Does that mean you're rubber?"

"No, it means no matter what, you and I are stuck together." Marissa beamed at him.

He handed her the next one. She opened it, and she nearly started crying again. It was a picture of them on her birthday, she was on his lap and they were grinning at each other uncontrollably. Engraved at the bottom was "Ad infinitum" she looked at Ryan and he said… "Forever, in Latin." Trust Ryan, she thought. Grinning stupidly, she pulled him closer one more time for a lengthy kiss. Ryan pulled them apart finally.

"Wait, one more." He handed her the last present; it was in a really small box, she wasn't sure what to think. I mean of course he thought they were too young to… Well, surely she couldn't say yes if it was, could she? She finally opened it to find a golden bracelet. Her eyes widened, well no it wasn't an engagement ring but it was really expensive looking. Ryan reached over her and flipped it over. On the back, in tiny writing, it said 'I love you.' She smiled and once again the tears flowed uncontrollably. "It's too much," She managed.

"It's not enough, I know."

"Look, I know expecting you to know what I'm feeling is too much but it just wouldn't have meant anything if you did it out of obligation. I just feel so alone and you're like the only person who might understand the situation… I… I've missed you." She said, her lips trembled but he reached an arm around her shoulders and she leaned against him. They didn't need words anymore. They were simply enjoying being in each other's embrace.

Time passed, neither of them seemed to notice. Slowly, Marissa turned up to Ryan's face and kissed him tenderly, intending to show her commitment to him, her utter joy. Ryan's hand cupped her chin. She let herself slip into it, savouring the strength of his body around her as she kissed him. His hands came around her, slipping her shirt above her head and she tugged his shirt off. They fell onto the mattress, limbs entangling and laughing.

Tomorrow, they would face Trey, they would tackle it together. But tonight… tonight they needed not to. They needed to reconnect. They needed each other. And they knew it.

**A/N- Like it? Wish they had yet another obstacle to overcome? Or do you think they had suffered enough, as I did. Review it, if you could…**


	6. The talk

Sunlight beamed into the poolhouse through the gaps between the curtains. The clock on the side of the bed read 8:26. Clothes lay scattered around the room, across every free surface and under any piece of furniture.

Ryan shifted ever so slightly, his muscles seeming to bunch in his back. Man was he sore, after the night he had had, he wasn't surprised and it wasn't that painful. A very satisfying type of sore. Sprawled across his body lay a VERY scantily-clad Marissa. He smiled down at her, her head resting in the nook of his shoulder, her body just slightly exposed. He shifted so that he could pull the blanket up a bit; to keep her warm because he remembered that she always seemed to be cold.

As soon as he moved, she seemed to awaken, like she sensed him, even in sleep.

"Mmm, good morning." She rubbed her eyes with an unsteady hand. "It is morning right?"

Ryan smiled at her. "Yes, that it is. Although the hours did kinda meld into one blur last night… At one point I don't think I knew my name."

It was Marissa's turn to smile as her cheeks turned a little pink. "I don't know what to say to that. But, I'm so glad that this is finally over, I mean it's not over we still have…"

"Sh… shhh… we both know what we still need to do but let's not rush, we have alllllllllllll day… maybe all night…" Marissa slapped at his arm. "Oh you wanna get started right now?" His lips met hers, they were connected, they understood each other perfectly, nothing could get in the way…

"Hey Ryan, I was thinking…OH DEAR JESUS AND MOSES!" Seth nearly walked into the door when he spun so fast. "Okay.. so I didn't expect that one, okay whoa, my stomach is slightly akin to how I feel when I've been on the tilt'a'whirl one too many times. I'm like a deer caught in the headlights… haha headlights get it? Right okay..I didn't mean to… Oh hey you guys are back together that's great."

Ryan's face was still staring at Seth, as he stopped talking his gaze whipped away to look at Marissa's face. She clearly was the deer caught in the headlights. He was going to have to suck it up here.

"Oh, uh, yeah…Maybe you could…."

"Right, right, yes I was just leaving." And with that Seth closed the door and left.

A silence of about a minute passed with both of them staring at the door. Finally, Marissa's thoughts exploded out.

"Oh my god! Oh my god! That was bad, possibly the most embarrassing thing I've ever experienced."

Ryan smiled. "Well I certainly wasn't expecting that this morning. And sadly I don't think we can pick up where we left off before that interruption so…" Marissa just glared at him. "Why don't I go grab some bagels and bring them in, you can just… throw some things on, or gather them up, whatever…I'll be right back."

Ryan left the poolhouse in just his boxers and made it into the kitchen. Seth sat at the counter, eating some cereal. "So… wow." He said.

"I don't wanna talk about it, especially after that." Ryan said back.

"Dude… whatever your plan was… awesome." Ryan shoved him.

"Shut up Seth!" But he couldn't help walking out with a slight smirk on his face as he made his way back to the poolhouse. When he walked in, he discovered Marissa was where he had left her.

"Um? Not ready to get up yet?"

"No, I can't find my… well you know… I have my pants and my shirt but…"

"Oh, I think we tossed them behind the plant, I'm not sure though," He smiled at her, pleased she was where he had left her. "We'll eat and I can help you find them, don't worry no one will come in now," And with that he sat down beside her and they both attacked the bagels, both pretty much starving from all the exertion of the night before.

"Mmmmm, that was good but I think I need a shower." Marissa said, after they had finished. "Could you look around for my underwear while I do?" She blushed.

"Hmm, I have a better idea, why don't I help you…in the shower?" They both laughed as he picked her up and headed for the door.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An hour later, they both were clean, dressed and ready to start the day. Marissa was wearing Ryan's clothes since she didn't want to wear the same clothes as the day before, one of the items was slightly ripped. Ryan's mind was on one thing and it wasn't Trey. He didn't know how to bring up Trey or where they would talk so he was simply waiting for Marissa to do it. Then he figured she probably wouldn't want to be the initiator, so he decided it was up to him.

"Hey…Marissa, where did you want to, um… talk about this?" Marissa turned to him as he spoke, relieved that Ryan had brought it up, she wanted to make sure he hadn't tried to forget about it.

"Well, I don't know… it could get pretty messy, I don't want to taint the beach cuz we've had so many special memories there but it needs to be an important place I think…"

"How about right here? We've been through good and bad here but we've always overcome it…. Last night was the start, now let's finish it right here, together." Ryan took her hand in his and kissed it.

Smiling so happily because of Ryan's renewed understanding, she kissed him lightly. "Okay, so… how do you want to start?"

"Well, I don't know, but one thing I do know is that before we start, we need to make a promise. What happened with Trey was a mess, and I don't want to hurt you and I know the same goes for you. So let's just say what needs to be said but know that no matter what gets said, however hurtful, I love you now and it won't change that."

"Ryan, it would never change it for me, you were so great but I…"

"Wait," He said, "Let's not get too ahead of ourselves, let's do this right… start at the beginning, we don't need to recap everything, we both know what happened but let's talk about how we felt I guess, since we don't really know about that stuff. Or at least, I don't know how you felt."

"Hey, no blame." Marissa said, stroking his cheek. "Okay, I guess I'll start since I asked for this. When Trey first got here, I was so happy. Finally things would be looking better for you. You wouldn't feel alone, I mean you've always had me and the Cohen's but someone from your family was here. I wanted that to work for you, so I pushed you together, hoping it would work."

"It wasn't like that, I thought I needed Trey, needed something else, to make this home. There was something I was missing and I didn't know what. I was desperate to find what it was, I tracked him to Chino numerous times, hoping to find it but what I found was so simple it made me an idiot. I was searching for something that I had right in front of me. You. Newport was never the same once we broke up. I should have realized that, let Trey leave…"

"Don't." Marissa said through tears, "Don't blame yourself for that, I made you, I pleaded for you to give him a chance…"

"But I KNEW Trey, I shouldn't have let him get through that easily!" Ryan shouted. A moment passed in silence. "I'm not mad at you, I'm sorry, I'm just frustrated…"

"No, it's okay, we need to get this kind of stuff out, no matter what. But really, I made it possible by giving him the money, I guess I've regretted that decision ever since."

Ryan glanced at her, realizing the hurt and blame Marissa had been living with ever since Trey had left. The accusatory feelings she must have felt every time she looked in the mirror. All he could do was hug her, so he did, holding on and knowing he never wanted to let go. "It's okay, cry, let it out, scream… I'm here." And she did. "Okay, we can stop if it's too…"

"No," Marissa's muffled voice said, "Let's get it all out in the open and we can move past, I don't know if I'm strong enough to do this twice."

Ryan put his hand underneath her chin and pulled her gaze up to his. "I know you are but we'll do it today anyway." He sighed. "I guess after all that, I went to Miami. If I had only known, I should have KNOWN…"

"You couldn't have, he was your brother. Please don't blame yourself for this. I keep thinking, maybe I said something, did something that made him think I wanted… that. Maybe all those things I did for him-- but really for you—maybe he thought those were come-ons. Did I make that…"

"Don't. Stop right there. It's not your fault. I was there and it was never your fault. What you did, you did because you have a nice heart, a big heart and you trust people. Trey used that trust and turned all those actions but don't let him taint you. Don't let yourself question what happened, you are you Marissa. Don't let him change that. He was my brother, I didn't think he would ever hurt you, touch you." I should have BEEN there, to hold you right after, to hurt him like he hurt you."

Marissa looked up at Ryan. He wasn't crying, he would never cry, she didn't think. But his eyes were watery, and she could tell he was struggling not to cry. It wasn't a comfort thing, she knew if he would cry in front of anyone, it would be her, but he didn't want to ever cry.

Ryan stared at Marissa. He couldn't believe the strength she had to get through everything she had, even without him. He hurt on the inside. He struggled with his tears. He couldn't cry, he wouldn't, he might not be able to control himself. He needed to be there for her.

"It's not your fault like I keep saying… it happened and even if you had stayed, maybe he would have chosen another night… it wouldn't have made a difference, he wanted to act on what he thought."

"Maybe but there might have been a difference. I need to know, would you have told me then if I was in Newport? Would you have ever told me? Trusted me enough? Look at me Marissa. Please. I don't get it. Why did it take Seth to tell me what happened?"

"I couldn't… how could I tell you that? How could I say everything that happened that night? Can you really blame me when you acted how you did? Or worse, what if you thought I was tarnished now, couldn't look at me… I didn't want to see disgust, maybe even pity. I wanted us to be the same… the same we always were."

"I.. I was so enraged that night. Murderously angry at Trey for what he'd done, angry at Seth for knowing before me, sad and confused that you hadn't trusted me enough… but never would I have thought that you were anything but beautiful, honest and strong. I still see it but I just wish somehow, we could have gone through this together. Why didn't I even suspect… I mean his head… the signs were there…"

"But he was your brother… your brother. If that was what came to your mind first than there would be bigger problems. And like I said Ryan, I couldn't tell you but I really wanted to. That night I left you, alone in the poolhouse, I wished that you had known, had been able to hold me and just tell me everything would be all right. But you couldn't because you didn't know."

"Oh… I wish I had been there too," He pulled her even closer, rested her tired body on his lap. "But that reminds me, about that night… Trey was at your house."

"What, how did you…? Oh no. You saw. That's why you were so… so questioning."

"I know, I shouldn't have jumped to any conclusion but… he was there, you were there and when I went down to Chino to find him… he said…" Ryan hesitated but Marissa looked up expectantly. "Well, he said you came onto him… And I didn't know what to do…" Marissa looked completely shocked.

"He didn't! Oh my god, when was that? How could he even think? But wait why didn't you ever ask me… accuse me?"

"I… had a chance to talk it over, think it through… with… Theresa, actually. She showed me that I loved you and you would always love me. And I knew that. I just needed someone to make me realize how much. Anyways, then I showed up at prom 'just in time', so I guess it went okay."

"Wow, Theresa huh? I'm glad though," She pulled his face down to hers and kissed him… I would never, ever cheat on you."

"Yeah, same. In a way it was perfect, I needed someone to point out what an ass Trey was and Theresa did it well."

"Yeah, and then…"

"And then you told Summer right? Who told Seth and he told me. I only thought of killing him, hurting him. I wanted to come to you, but I couldn't, not then. All that I knew was Trey needed to pay,"

"When Seth called… I was so scared. I knew Trey was dangerous; I didn't want you to get hurt. When I got there and realized what was going on, I didn't know what to do. He was going to kill you and I couldn't watch him kill the one guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Never that, so I grabbed the gun and you know the rest."

Ryan stopped. 'The rest of her life'? He didn't know if Marissa knew what she had just said but he certainly did. And he knew he'd better say something or she would catch on to his silence.

"I love you, you know. I do. And I don't know if you know how much I appreciate what you did. I thought I was gone, I saw you… just for a second and I thought, at least I get to see my angel one last time before… But then I was awake, and I could move and breathe, I saw you again. Trey was on the floor and my thoughts were only to get to you. To hold you like I needed to before I went to Trey's. I just thought you should know that when faced with death, I felt blessed to take your face as the last thing I saw and memories of you with me…"

Marissa was crying, once again but she found a way to smile through it. "Ryan Atwood, life has thrown us every obstacle known to man, animal and comic character and we've gotten through it. I'll always love you."

They held each other, this was important. This one moment. They both knew. He rocked them both back and forth, their bonds of love strengthening within both of them.

"I know. But then that whole attorney mess pulled us apart again." Ryan finally said.

"Yes… and then I went and saw Trey. I knew what I had to do. But, I didn't know what I wanted, what I hoped to get from everything… he apologized but it wasn't enough. I don't know how I'll stop having nightmares, I don't know what to do!"

She shook within Ryan's arms and he held on tighter, fiercely hoping to hide the one tear that had escaped from his eye. He let go with one arm and quickly brushed it aside, Marissa noticed and said nothing, she just held on. The fact he could cry for her was enough, she didn't need to point it out. The sun was weakening on the horizon, the day was almost completely over but neither seemed to notice.

"I know." Ryan said after a longer silence. "I think talking about it has helped and if I need to sneak into your room every single night to hold you, I will, if it takes sitting up every night, we will but this won't last forever, I'm here now and I know what you need."

Marissa looked up at him. This was the Ryan she had always known was there, he just wasn't sure how to show it. Now he was and Marissa wasn't going to hesitate. She slowly kissed him, forcing them onto the bed, her on top of him. Assaulting his mouth with hers, they had gotten through it, she wanted to finish it off with one last promise. Their hearts were always one, now they had shared their souls, she wanted the last promise with their bodies.

As Ryan lay next to Marissa's sleeping form, his mind was thinking of one thing. All her life. She had said it, no one had ever expressed that type of emotion for him… now what would he do about it?


	7. The lights

**A/N- Sorry for the long time between updating everyone. Things should become a little bit more regular now. I was struggling with this chapter a little. It's kind of transition to the next part of the story. Anyway, thank you all for the reviews... the few that have reviewed that is. I hope you are enjoying it.**

After their talk, the weeks seemed to fly by for both Ryan and Marissa. In fact, their lives were perfect in that time. They had found a perfect balance for school, homework, spending time with Seth and Summer and each other.

Of course, it was Ryan and Marissa so the fact that they had managed to get by a month without a 'fight' had everyone commenting.

"Well Dad, looks like you're out of the pool. They didn't fight on the two days you picked. Only Summer and myself left in the grand scheme."

"And I'll own you Cohen, just wait."

"Well my dear, you have tomorrow and I have the day after. You can only win if they do it tomorrow, and I get every day after."

"What? We didn't say that! I demand a new pool!" Sandy looked indignant.

"Just cuz you are out already doesn't mean you get to reset it and besides I have it in contract,"

"What contract?" Summer looked at Seth wearily.

"Okay so maybe not exactly a contract but the effect is there…"

"COHEN!"

Just then Ryan and Marissa walked in, holding hands, smiling and Summer seemed to dishearten a little bit.

"Hey guys, what's up?" Ryan asked, grabbing coffee and pouring some for him and Marissa.

"Nothing, not at all, going to work actually." Sandy nodded in their direction and headed to the door. "Think about what I suggested though."

"No. But anyway, you guys are looking chummy. I can feel the love blossoming. You know why? It's almost time for Chrismukkah!"

"Ew, who even says chummy? You are so lame Cohen."

"You can't dampen my spirits. Moses will pick me up and Jesus will carry me through! I feel you Chrismukkah, it's time I found you." And away Seth went.

"Weird. But anyway, you guys are so totally coming to the lame party he is throwing this year right? I mean ever since he has been making claims it would spread the nation this Chrismukkah party is all he could talk about."

"UH, I mean if you want?" Ryan turned to Marissa.

"No it's what you want, I don't mind."

"No, you," Ryan put his arms around her waste, losing himself in her smile and drowning in it.

"N.." Ryan cut her off with a kiss before she could refuse.

"Okay, so totally still here, but I don't want to watch you guys like make out… so I'll go find Cohen and tell him you're coming? Kay."

"Hmm… guess we grossed her out a little bit huh? But that's okay, she would have asked for the details tonight anyway. Hmm… I wish we could skip and spend the entire day…together."

"Yeah me too but we can't, it's college day and besides we need to figure out what's up."

"Yeah, I guess. Newport Union just, doesn't seem that exciting compared to what, other things, I could be doing or…other people." She blushed a little bit.

Ryan smiled and pulled her closer. "Well after we do our talking and stuff, I suppose I can take one day off and we'll spend some time together, tomorrow? We can work on what we'll do in our future and who we will in the present?"

She grinned into his kiss and then Summer and Seth walked back in. "Okay ew you guys. Like, unlock yourselves from each other. I should just give you the five bucks now. You've clearly won."

"I am supreme," Seth raised his arm and Summer smacked him in the stomach. "Ow!"

"You win what? What's going on?"

"Hurry up or we'll all be late, let's go." Seth headed out the door, closely followed by Summer.

"They are up to something." Ryan watched them suspiciously.

"Yes but there's always something going on in Newport, and besides who cares,"

Marissa kissed him again. "We're uh gonna be late."

"Tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow." He said as he took her hand and walked out.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next day, Ryan's peace had come to a very abrupt end. Suddenly it seemed completely clear he had no future. Or at least, after the previous day, it seemed like he'd be going nowhere. What was he going to do? Did he want to go to college? What was Marissa doing? It was a big question for him but he didn't know, he wanted to know, needed to know but didn't. But the most important question of all was could he leave her at all? Could he let go at the end when he knew that her dream needed her to go somewhere where he didn't exactly want to go? Would he be willing to give up his future for hers? Or what about the reverse situation? So many questions he had. But he hoped seeing Marissa would calm him down.

"Hey," She said as she walked in the poolhouse door.

"Oh, hey I didn't see you come in, I was… thinking." He smiled when he said it as he realized it sounded like he'd been brooding. "No, not brooding. I don't brood, well not so much anymore." He stated as he saw a teasing gleam enter her eye.

"I know," She leaned in to kiss him and glanced down at the sheets of paper he had been poring over. "Oh, colleges. I don't even want to approach that subject, really. I don't think I want to apply… you know. I mean, why rush when I don't know what I want?"

"Well, come on… you have to at least apply, I mean what else would you do?"

"Apply for what though, Ryan? There's nothing there for me right now. I just would rather… I don't know. I won't do anything irrational or anything, I promise. I just don't want to apply right now."

"Marissa, when I tried to leave high school you made me stay. You. I can help you through this, let me help you through whatever this is that is holding you back. Just let go and step out, take this chance. If you don't, I know you'll regret it."

"Stop it. I don't need this pressure from you right now; I have enough pressure as it is! I just need for everyone to stop and just let me choose, let me make my own decisions! I have to do that soon enough."

"Wait, no one is telling you to do anything! I'm trying to keep your options open, I want to be involved in your life, your choices, help you make them. Help you. But I can't if you won't let me."

"I don't need your help right now, just your support. God, Johnny has been really helpful maybe if you…" she stopped then. She realized how it looked.

"What did you say? You have been talking to him about this? This is the first I've heard about it. You'd rather tell him? I don't get it? Is that what you think?"

"No, Ryan, it's just… I don't know what I want and you have a better chance at things. Johnny and I are at the same place right now."

"Does he get you like Oliver got you? Yeah, I hope not, for your sake. I'm so sick of this. When I don't ask what's wrong you fight with me and when I do you fight with me. There's no way to win, why do I even try?"

"How could you even bring him up?"

"Stop thinking about yourself! What about everything I said about how I was feeling, all taken out because you heard me say 'Oliver' and it hurt you. I love you Marissa but I can't keep getting hurt because you don't know what you want. I'm going out. For awhile." His gaze told her he was hoping she wouldn't be there when he got back.

She was going to make sure his hope was fulfilled.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Seth had won the bet. But he wasn't particularly proud about it. Over the next week, Ryan changed completely. It wasn't that he was sad or melancholy, Seth had seen and experienced that, it was that Ryan was so… happy.

"Hey man. I brought the tree in and was gonna put it up. I can't wait for the party on Friday."

"Um, you okay dude? Because I mean, Chrismukkah and the holidays don't usually mix with you and stuff." Seth's eyebrows narrowed.

"No, I can finally see the light this year. You know, why let myself get upset. The holidays are fastly approaching and no matter what I do, I can grin at them or scowl my way through it, doesn't mean they won't come."

"Wow, a Chrismukkah miracle. But, I didn't want to ask but I have to.. are you and Marissa coming together? Because… I mean…"

"Oh, um, no." Ryan's face lost a little bit of his smile.

"Oh, do you wanna talk…" Seth trailed off, hoping Ryan would jump in.

"No, if she wants to throw her life away, let her, I'm not jumping in to save her this time. I can't. She needs to see how hard I tried, how hard I am trying. No matter how much I love her, there are limits and I just can't take anymore."

"But you don't wanna talk about it?" Seth's one eyebrow raised questioningly. Ryan blushed a little.

"Can we talk about something else, how about football, soccer, sports? Oh wait…"

"Hahaha—Moses will smite you for that!"

"Every year… a little weirder."

"Just wait!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Coop, you can't not come. You have to come. You said. Cohen will be like, totally lame if you don't and I mean, really… you can't leave me."

Marissa looked up from her pile of homework and frowned. "Come on, you know why I can't go. He'll be there and we haven't talked and I'm not sure I want to talk to him right now. Can you believe he actually brought up Oliver? And I mean he says I don't know what I want and need him to rescue me. What is that? If I don't want to go to college, I don't have to go. Why doesn't he understand it's just something I have to do."

Summer had been adjusting her dress in the mirror. "Coop, like when he was leaving you totally told him to stay and when you thought it would ruin his life, you told him. Now it's the exact same thing with you but as soon as he helps you push him away and go to Johnny. Seriously!"

Marissa's eyes flashed with hurt and anger. "You're taking his side?"

"No one has a side. Clearly you're upset but don't get mad at Ryan, I think you're mad at yourself. If I'm way off base then fine but I don't think so. And he's a nice guy… so maybe you need to talk this over."

"Whatever. I'm not going, I can't."

"Fine. I'll tell the Cohens you don't feel well."

"Fine. Bye."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hey look, there's Summer," Ryan pointed towards her as she approached. "Hey, how are you?"

"Not bad," They hugged and she stepped back looking uncomfortable. "Uh, Marissa wasn't feeling well so she didn't…"

"Hey no, that's fine. You don't have to feel weird or anything. She feels sick, she feels sick, we'll have fun here."

"Cohen, where's the food table? I'm hungry"

"Over here my little munchkin," He grabbed her hand and led her away. Ryan watched them go. Marissa hadn't come. He hadn't expected her to. Although he had thought, maybe if she came, maybe she had seen what he was saying. It didn't matter. He smiled as Kirsten approached.

"Hey Ryan, can you see if the lights in the front are on? I mean I saw them on but I want everything perfect for tonight for Seth."

"Yeah, sure. No problem." He headed off to the front. As he stepped out onto the driveway headlights raced up in front of him. He stopped in mid stride and stared straight at the oncoming car.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------

Marissa was sitting on the bed, she had going over college applications and deciding what to do exactly. The phone rang and she got up to answer it.

"Hello?"

"Coop… Sum… at…party…Ryan…"

"What, what's going on I can't here a word you are saying. What's going on? What about Ryan?"

"Problem… Ryan… Come, hurry!"

"Sum? Sum? What's wrong with Ryan? Oh my god is he okay? SUM?"

She slammed the phone down, grabbed her coat and left. She didn't know what happened to Ryan but she knew she had to find out. What if he was…?


	8. The realization

**A/N Okay. Really sorry about the long period in between updates. I've been busy with a bunch of different things, enjoy this chapter and if I still have some interest from readers, I shall keep posting some chapters, I have an idea to get to, just want to make sure someone wants to read. PS I haven't magically found a way to own anything of the OC yet so, once again... I have no ties. Thanks.**

Marissa whipped open her car door and quickly raced up the Cohen driveway. She would have pulled in but an ambulance was blocking her way. Oh God, she thought, oh god. Not Ryan. The entire way to the Cohen's she had been thinking of all the ways she would make up to Ryan, if he was okay. But Summer hadn't said what had happened, she just needed to know. The not knowing was what was going to kill her. She ran past the ambulance and caught sight of Summer.

"Oh my god Summer, where is he, what's going on? Oh my god, he has to be okay. Where is he I have to see him." Marissa pleaded as she hysterically ran up to her friend.

Summer wrapped both arms around Marissa, pulling her close and then releasing her quickly.

"He's okay. Well kind of, he nearly got hit by a car. When I called, I thought he had. He jumped out of the way so he didn't get hit. Someone called an ambulance though, so he got checked out, they took him to rest in the poolhouse and said he might have a mild concussion." Summer paused as she saw the relief whip through Marissa. She smiled a bit and continued. "But that's not all. Well, I don't know. It could be a coincidence but… the driver who almost hit Ryan, it was Johnny." Summer watched the shock register inside Marissa's eyes. "Look, it could be nothing but the police are talking to Johnny now." Marissa looked towards the Cohen kitchen where Summer signalled the interrogation was going on.

"That's so… I don't know what to think Sum. God, I was so scared I almost lost him. I can't. I have to tell him that. No matter what happens, Sum, I need him."

"I know you do, I'm so glad you know, why don't you go find…" Summer was interrupted as Johnny emerged from the Cohen house, followed by a few detectives, Seth, Sandy and Kirsten.

"Marissa… I don't know what to say, I didn't mean to…" Marissa walked right up to Johnny. She stared deep into his eyes as he started to offer his story. And as soon as he started her arm snaked out and slapped him right across the face.

"I don't want to hear it Johnny. I know what's been going on. I know what you feel. I don't know if you meant to kill him but I bet you didn't jump on the brake as fast as you could have. I can't even look at you right now. I don't think I ever want to again. You're so lucky I want to talk to Ryan so badly or I'd slap the hell out of you a little more." Her eyes flashed, emphasizing her point.

"Look, Marissa it was an accident." He stopped as she whirled around, preparing for an encore performance.

"Dude, why don't you just, you know leave. It's probably for the best, you know." Seth jumped in, leading Johnny away.

"Don't go too far young man, we're still not done asking you questions." The officer that spoke shook hands with Sandy and thanked Kirsten, then offered Johnny a ride home.

"Well, that was certainly exciting. How about we all get together and watch a movie?"

"Yeah, I suggest House of Flying Daggers again, I mean you can't deny the classics." Seth leaped forward trying to get to the house first.

"No, I don't think so Cohen," Summer grabbed his shirt, tugged and led the way into the house.

Marissa turned to Kirsten. "I think I'm going to go and find Ryan, you know. I have to, we have to talk."

"Okay, well you guys are welcome to join us, that is unless the three children don't kill each other trying to pick a movie," Kirsten replied as Sandy got into the argument about movies. His suggestion of a musical brought a collective groan from both Seth and Summer.

"Right, okay. Thanks." Marissa turned to go.

"He loves you, you love him. That's the easy part. The rest is hard and never easy but, it's worth it because what's the point if it's easy?" Kirsten turned and walked into the house. Marissa watched her go and then slowly made her way to the poolhouse.

The paramedics had left and there was one light on, beside the bed. She paused in the doorway, deciding if she should knock or just go in. Any other time she would rush in but they had a major fight, and as common as that was, this time felt different. Like for the first time, if the right words weren't chosen, this could break them apart. She had finally decided to knock when she saw Ryan's silhouette. He was taking his shirt off. God she wished she was on the other side of the door just then. She took a deep breath and told herself she could. She opened the door and stepped inside.

Ryan whirled around in surprise, causing pain rush forward in his head. His eyes rounded in mild surprise, then almost, acceptance, like he had known she would come. Marissa. Her presence sent shivers up his arms. He stood before her, wearing only shorts. He was bruised and felt more than a little woozy. He wasn't sure he was ready to face Marissa but there she was and he knew he couldn't send her away, no matter how much he might think he wanted to. They stood staring at each other. Neither moved.

"Hey." He finally managed to say. Marissa just stood staring at him. Something was weird. He didn't like the way she was looking, like she might drop. He started to get worried, he stepped forward. "Are you okay? Did something happen?"

She breathed in deeply and her breathing hitched, and her body shuddered but she didn't cry. She would not cry. "You almost died. Ryan. You almost died. I don't know what I would do. I can't stand this anymore, I thought, I don't know, that you would come to me, make it up to me. I had a whole romantic idea planned out in my head but… Summer called. She said to come, there was a problem or something. I didn't know what to expect. I thought I'd lost you. And all the rest didn't matter. We can wade through the rest of the stuff, just hold me and let me hold you." She stepped forward, the tears glistening in her eyes as she stretched her arms out for him. He wrapped both arms around her as her body shuddered and she cried. "I have lots to tell you, Ryan but for now, just, stay with me."

He held her tightly, everything she had said had been the same for him. He had seen the lights and one thing made sense: Marissa. His hand went up and down her back, caressing and soothing the tears out. Slowly, she pulled back from him and looked into his eyes. She didn't kiss him, not yet. She just stared at him. His hand came up almost unconsciously, wiping the tears off her face. She smiled a little and nuzzled into his hand.

She took a deep breath and prepared herself. "Look, I know I can be self-centred sometimes, I know that. We fight a lot. I know that too. They are connected, those two things. I don't know if I'd prefer not to fight, it makes us, us. I wish that it didn't hurt this much. But if it didn't would it feel as nice when we were together? I love you, Ryan. I can't lose you. No matter what I say, or no matter what gets in the way, if we fight," She paused and thought about it, "When we fight, no matter what happens, I want you to know, I'll be there. I know it sucks that it took me almost losing you to make me know that but I know it now and I will never ever doubt it again. I won't wait for you, I can't waste any time that we are given." She took a deep breath and reached out, took his hand and he kissed it. That gesture brought a bright smile to her face.

"Marissa, the car was there, I saw the lights, I thought that was it. At that one moment, I thought of one thing. You. I thought of how much an idiot I was that I'd lost the last little bit of time I had had with you. I thought of how much I loved you and how much time we would lose if that car hit me. And that brought me back. Made me move. I knew if I had any chance of seeing you I had to jump, so I did. I love you too. More than I knew. And it doesn't matter how we know it, we just do. Let's not forget it." He put one hand underneath her chin and directed her mouth to his.

She tasted like sadness and the tears she had cried lingered as he kissed her. He kissed her tears away. Pulled her closer, angled her neck and plundered her mouth. If he was drowning in her, he would die a happy man. Marissa felt Ryan's eagerness through his shorts and she smiled into his mouth. Oh God how much she had missed that. This. She wanted this. She pushed him onto the bed. He reached out for her but she lightly batted his hands away. "I'm just going to get out of these clothes. You stay there. Watch."

His eyes widened but didn't stray for one second. Slowly, tantalizingly slowly, she pulled her t-shirt over her head. His sneaky hand reached out but she once again pushed it away. "Look. Don't touch. Yet." He smiled wickedly. She slowly slid her jeans down, leaving her just in a bra and her panties. Ryan's smile was so wide; he looked like a cat who'd been given a lifetime supply of milk. "I forget how the rest goes. Why don't you help me, Mr. Atwood?"

Ryan's eyes were stuck on Marissa's body and he had to rip them away to glance at her eyes quickly to respond. "I'd be delighted." He snaked a hand behind her and pulled her down so she straddled him. He kissed her again, longer, their tongues meeting, intertwining. His hand moves up to her bra and paused at the back. "Wait a minute. I've been waiting awhile for this."

"You want to stop?" Marissa's voice nearly cracked and her eyes were narrowed.

"NO, no, no. I just think," He picked her up, fireman carry-style and walked to the door.

"What do you think you're doing? She struggled against him, arousing them both.

"Don't worry, I'm locking the door." He smiled another wicked grin and kissed her again, his one hand behind her back flicked open the clasp to her bra. Her arms were wrapped around his neck but she shifted to help get the bra off. "So beautiful," was all that he murmured to her. His hands, his mouth, attacked her chest. God, she loved him. He dropped her on the bed, and he took her to new places. They both knew that life was hard and that this part was the easiest. But sometimes, you had to do the easy to prepare for the hard.


	9. The question

**A/N- Okay, a quick update, I had some spare time and decided to give the story some juice. Enjoy.**

The next morning, Marissa awoke; she was sprawled across Ryan's frame. Her head barely touched the pillow and her legs were tangled in his. She couldn't have been happier or more uncomfortable. She shifted a little to try and find some comfort. Her leg brushed against Ryan intimately and he shifted a little. His body's reaction to just a leg brush told made her smile. She positioned her body over his, and leaned down to kiss him as she straddled him. Ryan slowly awoke and responded to the kiss.

He opened one eye and all he saw was Marissa. Everything he was feeling was Marissa. He opened the other eye and took them both on a journey they would never forget.

"Wow." Was all that Marissa could manage to say, a while later.

Ryan grinned at her and reached over to brush a hand over her hair. "Wow, yourself."

Marissa just smiled back and kissed Ryan again. "Look, I don't want to ruin this moment but…" She was about to bring up the rest of what they had between them but she broke off as Ryan's finger touched her lips.

"Then don't. We have all day, let's not rush. I'm feeling like a shower, what about you? Why don't I go get started and if you feel like you want to be clean… join me." He smiled devilishly and got out of bed completely naked.

Marissa called out to stop him. "Wait. I want to come with you but I don't think I can make it on my own, I'm a bit exhausted. Can you help me?" She smiled widely as he came back to her. He reached both arms around her and carried her to the bathroom the same way he had the night before. He knew they were putting off the inevitable talk but really, this was so much better.

8181818181818181818181818181818181818181818818181818181818181

An hour later, Marissa was fully dressed and sitting on Ryan's bed waiting for him to finish getting dressed too.

"I thought girls were supposed to take longer than their men." She called out to Ryan in the bathroom.

"Well, there's this hot girl at the pier I wanted to impress so…" Marissa cut him off with a pillow right to his head as he came out of the bathroom.

"Oh so you want to fight, is that what this is about?" Ryan grabbed a pillow and chased her around the room, she screamed as he caught her. Marissa kissed him lightly.

"Look, Ryan as much as we want to avoid what we have to talk about, it will just get worse. I love that you want to keep it like this but if we push it away, it will come back bigger. I want to say one thing. About Johnny."

Ryan's eyes flashed at the name. "Look, if you have to talk to someone else about things and you can't talk to me for whatever reason, fine. BUT after last night, I wdon't want it to be Johnny. I don't care what he may have said to you, you weren't here. His eyes… I don't think he meant to kill me but I don't think he was going to swerve either."

Marissa reached out and touched Ryan's cheek. "I slapped him. Hard. Right across the face. I don't want to see him again. I can't believe I let him come between us. I was drowning. I didn't know what I was going to do, and you seemed to have your path mapped out perfectly. It just seemed weird if I talked to you. I'm sorry about that." She smiled at him. "I'm done with being the weepy girl who comes to her boyfriend and he takes care of her. I just wanted to spare you that too." Ryan gave her a hug.

"I don't mind if you need to cry to me, I just wish you knew what you wanted when it comes to me. I want to be there but I can't if you won't let me."

"I know. I need to be able to be strong by myself first and then come to you if that's not enough. You know? That's why…. Well, I am applying to Berkeley like we talked about but, I'm applying to a few universities that aren't near here. I just, have to make decisions for myself, based on me. I'm not saying I'm going, I'm just saying, I need to keep all options open. Understand?" Marissa kissed him again, trying to gauge his reaction.

Ryan smiled a little, his heart feeling hurt on the inside. But he didn't want to show it, he wanted her to be happy, no matter what. So he kissed her, punctuating the kiss by lightly biting her lip. "Yeah, I do. Enough talking though, right? Why don't we…" He never got to finish his sentence as they heard a knock at the door.

"Well, I guess we should have expected that." Ryan got up and walked to the door then opened it. Seth stood in the doorway.

"Hey man, what do you want to do toda…Oh, hi Marissa. Why am I not shocked you're here? Dude, it's like she lives here, it's kind of disgusting." Seth finished with a wide smile. Finally the two had worked out their differences!

"Thanks, Seth." Marissa said. "Is Sum inside? I want to talk to her."

"Yes, m'lady." Seth turned to Ryan as Marissa walked out, "So buddy, you coming?"

Ryan's eyes were sparkling with an idea. It was taking root and he liked it. No, he loved it. "Where's Sandy?" He asked as he and Seth left the poolhouse.

8181818181818181818181818181818181818181818818181818181818181

"Move in! You want Marissa Cooper to move in with us?" Sandy was staring disbelieving at Ryan's eager face.

"Well, you agreed to it once…" Ryan started his case.

"That was when she was moving to Hawaii! There's a huge difference in the two situations. I don't like this idea at all." Sandy stared at Ryan, trying to figure out what prompted this.

"Look, Marissa has been staying at Summer's, since her Mom went broke. Summer could probably use a break. Besides, Marissa has stayed here before. It makes some sense." Ryan's eyes were pleading with Sandy.

"No, it doesn't. Ryan she doesn't even go to the same school. Frankly, I just don't see it happening."

"Look, she's applying to other universities, far universities. And besides the obvious fact I want to spend more time with her, I want to convince her that what we have is worth staying for… I … care about her, a lot and I want to be with her, but she has to want it as much or it won't work out." Ryan stared into the depths of Sandy's eyes, trying to figure out what he was thinking.

"You love her? Love?" Sandy questioned Ryan with his intense gaze and Ryan nodded.

"Yes, so much."

Sandy sighed, "I'll talk to Kirsten but and we'll see. Don't make me regret this."

Ryan smiled, walked over to Sandy and gave him a huge hug. "I never could have gone to my Dad with something like this." Nothing else he might have said would have made Sandy happier. He just smiled at Ryan and pulled him closer.

8181818181818181818181818181818181818181818818181818181818181

"Ryan wants to have a romantic night at the poolhouse? How is this any different than every Friday night? You guys are always making out." Summer's eyes were confused as she went through the closet with Marissa.

"I don't know, Sum but Ryan said he wanted it to be a special night. So I want it to be special." Marissa picked out a dress and Summer quickly put it back.

"Maybe he just wants to make sure he gets some tonight, I mean you guys were apart a long time." Marissa's shocked face looked at Summer for a few seconds.

"Summer!" Marissa stopped a second. "Wait, you really think so?"

Summer smiled at Marissa and said, "Well we know what part of the human body most guys think with, but I'm sure the night will be… kinda romantic although, it's hard to picture Ryan like that, even still."

"I know, he's different with me though. I wish I knew what this was about though. And I wish I knew what I was going to wear." Marissa stared at herself in the mirror, terrified and she didn't know why.

8181818181818181818181818181818181818181818818181818181818181

Ryan glared into his mirror, his stomach in knots.

"Dude, I still can't believe Mom and Dad agreed to this. Marissa moving in. Oi. The bathroom will never be available, you guys will always be in the poolhouse doing the dirty, I see the downfall now."

"Seth, calm down. And if Marissa's always in the bathroom then we can't always be in the poolhouse at the same time. Besides, I don't know if this is the best idea anymore." Ryan grabbed another shirt for the third time from his shelf. What did you wear when you asked a girl to move in with you.

"Dude, you know you want to. And anyways, would she stay in the guest room or in here with you?" Seth was sitting on the bed watching Ryan frantically get ready. It was funny how nervous he actually was.

"Oh, I don't know. I guess we'd work that out if she says yes. What if she doesn't want to? Would that make things different?" Ryan's eyes seemed like those of a trapped animal. Seth did the only thing he could think of, he got up and slapped Ryan right across the face.

"Sorry but you were getting weird. Calm down, she's going to be here soon, you'll figure it out. Don't worry, you'll get the answer you want."

"What answer?" Marissa walked up in a short black dress and Ryan all but fainted at the sight of her and the question.

"Um, for the video game. Jeopardy's such a bitch. Yeah, so Sum and I, we'll go now, you know. We'll see you later okay. Good luck Ryan." He paled as soon as he said it. Marissa's eyes narrowed and glanced at him. Before she could ask Seth continued, "With the game. Jeopardy. Yeah. Okay, bye." He quickly ran away.

"Well, he's acting weird." Marissa stared after Seth.

Ryan walked up to her and put his arms around her waist, pulling her closer. "You, look, like a Goddess." He kissed her and continued "Forget about him, anyway."

"Already forgotten. That little table for two with the roses and candles I passed on the way in, are they for us?" Marissa questioned as she took hold of Ryan's hand.

"Well, yeah." He smiled. "It's not grilled cheese this time, I ordered in."

"Really? Well that sounds great. Why don't we go eat? I'm excited for dessert." She said in a sexy voice.

"Oh, were we having any?" Ryan teased her and Marissa smiled back.

"Oh, yes we are." And they walked out to the table to eat.

"So, I saw Johnny today, he tried to talk to me but I left him in the hallway when I rushed to class. He didn't bother me but I…Ryan? Ryan, are you listening?" Ryan was staring just over her shoulder. She turned but there was nothing there. She was a little hurt that he hadn't been paying attention to her.

"Have I ever told you how incredibly beautiful you are. So beautiful it throws me sometimes. I'm looking at you and I think, wow I'm with her." Ryan looked up then, realizing everything he had said. Marissa's eyes were glistening.

"Wow. Where did that come from? Not that I didn't appreciate it, I just…"

"We don't get to tell the people that matter to us how much unless something terrible happens and it shocks us. I want you to know that you matter so much to me. I love you so much, I love what we have. I don't want to lose it and I don't need to have something tragic happen before I tell you."

"Ryan, what's going on? Did something happen? Are you okay?" Marissa's eyes were puzzled mixed in with happiness and fear.

"No, everything's okay. Perfectly fine. I wasn't sure about tonight but just watching you, listening to you talk, I realized I want that, all the time." Ryan reached over and put his hand on hers. "I want to talk to you all the time and be able to. I talked it over with the Cohen's, Marissa. I want you to move in with us… with me."

**A/N Cliffhangerrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, review it folks, if you could.**


	10. The answer

Marrisa's jaw dropped wide open. Of all the things she had ever expected to come out of Ryan's mouth that night, she had not been expecting that. Ryan's eyes stayed on hers, straining to catch some hint as to what she was thinking. Her mind still was processing what he had just asked. She couldn't even move her mouth, it just remained open, gaping at him. Ryan couldn't take the silence.

"Um, I mean… if you want, I don't know. Is this you speechless in a good or bad way?" He squirmed a little in his seat and his hands started to fidget. Oh God, he thought, what have I done? She clearly doesn't know how to break it gently. Oh God.

"Wha…W…I…Wow." Marissa still couldn't piece together what was going on. She didn't know what to say, how to say it or what she was thinking, her mind was going way too fast.

"Um, look. It's stupid. Never mind. It's just that I can't lose us. I wanted to take a step and see how far we could go, give being 'one' a chance. But I love you and that's enough. That's too big a step, you aren't ready, I get it, and you don't have to say. Just forget about it." Ryan started to get up to clear the table. He needed to get away, the horror of rejection, especially by Marissa was sinking in, deeply.

"Wait. Wait a second. You don't get to do that. You can't just drop that and leave. Oh my god, Ryan. Oh my God." Marissa was staring at him. Her eyes were completely unreadable. Ryan had no desire to watch her calmly state all the reasons it wouldn't work so he turned.

"Look, let's drop it. I get it." He stepped away, leaving his back to her. "I'm sorry I…" Marissa's arm touching his sent a shiver down his arm and it wrapped into his heart. She loved him, he knew that. But not that much. An it was starting to hurt.

Marissa circled around so she could look Ryan in the face. He was averting his gaze and she reached up and gently guided his eyes to hers. "Ryan, I had no idea you were even thinking that. At all. I was so surprised. It came completely out of left field. I didn't exactly take the news well but it was so… unexpected. I'm still in shock. I just…" She brushed his hair with her fingers as she talked. His muscles were tensed and she wanted to make it go away.

"You don't have to explain." He was going to say anything to get out of this discomfort.

"Would you shut up for five seconds?" Marissa's demand surprised them both. "Look, you were the one who knew about all this, so if I need a minute, give me time. I'm processing. I can't believe you asked. I know I keep saying that but it's cuz I can't. Just because I'm shocked that you asked doesn't mean that I wished you hadn't." That caught Ryan's attention. He looked deep into her eyes. Suddenly, he was feeling something, a glimmer of hope deep down. He waited anxiously for her to continue as he took her hands into his. "Move in. Live together. Oh my Gooooodddd! Ryan, do you have ANY idea how much every girl wants to hear that from their boyfriend? Maybe not this young but when you're this in love. It was a happy shock! One of those shocks where you are too happy to say anything. Do I want to move in with you? Why don't you answer my question first before I answer yours." Marissa smiled a little. Ryan's eyes narrowed. What was she after?

"Okay…" Ryan crossed his arms, almost like a quick defence against the question.

"Will I be staying in the poolhouse with you or in the guest room?" Marissa laughed as Ryan's eyes widened in surprise and he reached out and pulled her into a huge hug.

"Really? You will?" Ryan's voice couldn't contain his excitement.

"Of course I will. I want to live with you so much, think of how much… dessert we can have." She smiled and pulled out of the hug. She slowly leaned in, closed her eyes and met Ryan's lips with her own. The sweet, passionate kiss started to turn more heated. They started to tug at each other's clothing. Ryan picked Marissa up and started towards the poolhouse. She tried to unzip herself but since the dress was in the back it was too difficult. As she manoeuvred herself, trying to free herself, she knocked Ryan off-balance and teetering, they both fell into the pool. The last thing Ryan heard was Marissa's shriek before they hit the water. He came up gasping for breath and so did she. They both burst out laughing and started splashing one another. Both seemed to remember their very first date in the same place not so many years before.

"I love you." Ryan pulled her closely and kissed her on the tip of the nose. "I really do. I want this, with you. I mean, I didn't want it with Theresa but with you, I want this."

Marissa's face fell. She had forgotten Ryan had spent that time with Theresa. "Oh yeah. This isn't your first time, living with someone." She felt sad for some reason.

Ryan picked up on it right away. He lifted her chin and kissed her softly. "No. But it's the first time I've ever lived with someone I loved like this. Like I said, I want this. I want you. So badly. Especially wet. Preferably so. And since you are fitting my requirements right now, why don't we head for the poolhouse?"

"Smooth talking. But I am starting to get cold. Think you can warm me up?" Her eyes were practically glowing.

"Oh, I know I can." Ryan smiled with a hint of something wicked in his eyes.

Marissa shoved him back and as he fell she raced out of the pool. "See you in there, hotshot."

Ryan quickly chased her into the poolhouse. Everything was perfect. He knew something would be coming around the bend to ruin it but he didn't care. He had that night and many more, filled with dessert. He entered the door and closed it behind him, locking it.

"Marissa?" He walked inside but she wasn't there. He called out again. "Are you in the bathroom? Where did you go?" Ryan circled the poolhouse. He expected her to fly out kamikaze-style with a pillow and challenge him. He didn't know where she was. He turned back to the door, his back to the bathroom when he heard the door click open. He whirled around. Marissa stood in the most sexy lingerie he had ever seen. His mouth dried up.

"Oh, whoa." Was all he could manage to say. Thank God she was his. That was all he could think at that time.

"You like?" She slowly, sexily made her way towards him. She knew by the look in his eyes and the bulge in his pants, that he surely did. "It was funny. I had this feeling tonight would be special. I wasn't sure how I knew but I knew. And I knew that a whole other set of… undergarments would be necessary. I'm glad, aren't you?"

Ryan's body was starting to come back to it's senses. "Oh… oh yeah. You are so hot. I just want to…"

"Yes, well, we'll get to that in a moment won't we. Kiss me. Now." And he complied. As their lips touched, something carnal emerged from them both, igniting them in some hot sex fire. "Oh god." Marissa couldn't say anything else. "Take me. Now." She ripped off his shirt, exposing skin. Ryan's sweaty palms couldn't get the tiny bra clasp and out of frustration Marissa and he both tugged on it. The bra ripped apart exposing her sweat slicked flesh. Ryan's eyes gazed down. She was his, all of her. He made love to her with only that one thought left in his head.

818181818181818181818181818181818181818181818181818181818181

"I can't move." Marissa lay half off the bed, half on and she was feeling wonderful. "We have never… I have never… wow." Ryan smiled back at her as she fumbled for words.

"What you said." Ryan still didn't have his breath back.

"Mmmm, this is like a dream. A sexy, hot, romantic, sweet guy asking you to move in and then we have mind-blowing, eye-popping sex. I don't want to wake up if it is." She smiled. "It's perfect."

Ryan was about to reply when the ringing of a cell phone erupted from Marissa's purse.

"Leave it. Nothing could be more important." Ryan threw an arm around her.

"Well, it could be my… Oh. My. God. Why didn't either of us see this coming? The biggest problem of our lives! Eleven letters put together to instil fear in the hearts of all. Something along the lines of Julie Cooper. My mom. She is never going to let this happen. How could we even approach it? Hey Mom. Ryan and I need more time to have sex, so I'm going to move in with him, k? Yes, that would go over quite well, don't you think?" She sighed and put her face into her hands.

"Hey, don't worry. We'll think of something, together. Everything IS perfect when we're together. So we just need to stay that way and it'll work out." He brushed the hair out of her face. "We have to tell the Cohen's and Summer. They went out to dinner but they should be coming back soon."

"Oh my god! Summer! Marissa darted out of the bed, looking for her clothes. "I have to tell her everything! I guess, without a bra though." She stared ruefully at the bra. "It was worth it though." Ryan beamed back at her.

"Hurry up! I don't want the Cohen's coming back and finding us both naked, that can't be the best start to living together, can it? Hurry, oh my God, I'm so excited. I just, hope we can think of something with my mom." Her face turned to a worried smile.

Ryan cupped the side of her cheek. "It will be." And she believed him.

Just then they heard a car pull into the driveway in the distance.

"They're here! Put something on, quickly!" Marissa darted to the bathroom to fix her hair and makeup. Ryan watched her go, smiling and thinking of the awesome year he was about to have.

**A/N- Not over yet, I just thought you deserved a not cliffhangerish chapter ending. **

**Happy Trails, review and shtuff, if you could.**


	11. The wedge

Summer couldn't contain her excitement. She was rocking back and forth in the backseat of the car as they turned into the driveway.

"Oh my god, Cohen! She'll say yes! I just know it. I'm so sure!" She clasped her hands together in her lap. "I can't wait for her face."

"Calm down Summer. You're like my little fidgety fish out of water. You'll know soon." Seth looked over at Summer.

"Well, Seth, if I remember correctly, you weren't exactly unenthusiastic at dinner. Like when you tripped the waiter with your feet fidgeting." Kirsten turned around and smirked at Seth.

"Mom! It was just a twitch."

"Let's just say that we all want to know what happened." Sandy stopped the car.

A blur of colour flew out the front door and dashed towards the car.

"Summer!"

"Coop!"

Summer flew out the car and met Marissa in the middle of her dash. They collapsed into screaming fits in each others arms.

"You knew? Oh my god, it was so romantic. I can't believe it…"

"What did you say? How did he ask? I'm so excited, Coop!"

"I said yes! Of course, oh my gosh, thank you guys so much. Sandy, Kirsten, you guys are like my parents half the time anyway. I owe you guys so much. I seriously appreciate this. I had been worried that we would grow apart but…" Marissa threw her arms around them both and hugged them. Summer hugged her too and Seth feeling left out, joined in on the hug. Ryan watched them from the doorway. That was his family and the thought hit him and he smiled widely.

"Ryan, man. I was just, you know, embracing the girls… uh… congratulations man! The pollen out here, it's disgusting." Seth wiped at his eye, hiding his emotions, so he thought.

"Hey man, thanks. And yeah, the pollen levels are insane." Ryan pulled Seth into a hug and clapped him on the back. He hugged everyone else too. As he hugged Summer she lent close and whispered in his ear, "Don't hurt her, and be careful when you fight, you can't get away from each other as easily." Ryan nodded his head and smiled a little. He knew that they would have to adjust to the closeness but it was something he wanted to do.

121212121212211221212121212121212121212121

Over the next few weeks Ryan and Marissa made some slight alterations to their routines but for the most part they got along so well. The distance that had previously been between them was erased because of all the time they spent together. Even though Sandy and Kirsten insisted she stay in the guest room on week nights so that they could "focus on school" Ryan and Marissa didn't mind. Most of the time, knowing that they were there was enough but on the odd occasion that they wanted to spend the night together, it was way easier to sneak out to the poolhouse instead of across the town.

The problem erupted when Summer decided to get Marissa back into Harbor.

Ryan thought it was a great idea and so did Summer. Seth went along with it because although he wouldn't admit it, Marissa was one of his best friends. Marissa thought it would be great to graduate with her friends and spend even more time with Ryan.

When the four found out Marissa could be reunited at Harbor, they were overjoyed. After only one week, the problem surfaced.

"Why would you ask that? Why are you always asking me where I'm going. I know we live with each other Ryan and I know you're my boyfriend but you don't own me. If I don't want to go somewhere with you or if I want to be alone, I'll do what I want. Why is this hard for you to grasp?" Marissa's eyes flashed with the lightning from the storm that had been brewing for the past few weeks.

"What are you talking about? I just wanted to know if you were going to…. Nevermind, why do I even bother? I am not smothering you Marissa. It's too bad you feel that way but I'm not fighting you. If you want to be a bitch, go ahead but what's that going to do?" Ryan just shrugged himself out of the fight, he knew if he got into it, the living arrangements would be so tense.

"You're everywhere I am Ryan. Everywhere. I can't go anywhere because you are there. I need time to myself, I need to know who Marissa is. I don't know anymore because it's just always Ryan and Marissa will do this and that. I feel like I'm suffocating and I don't know what to do. Just give me space." Marissa huffed out the last part.

Ryan looked deep into her eyes. He hid all the hurt and just said, "Take all the time you need. Take all the space, do whatever."

Marissa knew she had set something off but she couldn't worry about it, she just needed to get away. "I don't know when I'll be home. I'll call you or whatever. I'm going to…"

Ryan cut her off. "It doesn't matter just call if you won't be home."

Ryan turned out of the kitchen and walked to the poolhouse, Marissa watched him go, knowing she'd hurt him but knowing she had been hurting too and needed to get away.

1212121212121212121212212121212121212122121

"Ryan? Ryaaaaaaaaan?" A slim redhead that Ryan recognized from physics class was talking to him.

"Oh, hi, sorry. Abby right? What's up?" He was slightly distracted thinking about Marissa. He had gone to bed at midnight the night before and she hadn't come home then. He just told himself it was her life and she needed space, it didn't bother him. But he couldn't lie to himself like that, he knew it bothered him. A lot.

"Yeah, Abby McGregor. Um, sorry to interrupt you, you must have been deep in thought but we're trying to get a soccer game going. Um, I know you were on the soccer team like three years ago. I just wanted to know if you wanted to play or whatever." She smiled at him, very genuinely.

"How did you know I played soccer? It was so long ago!" Ryan smiled back, he himself had almost forgotten.

"Oh well you know, I just love soccer and sports, really. I follow our team, that was the year we got to the finals. So, I remember. Besides you seemed too deep in thought, you need something to do and so, here I am." She ran a hand through her shoulder-length hair and then started to put it up in a ponytail. "Look, you don't have to. I'm just being overly friendly, I know but you can if you want."

She turned to walk away. Ryan thought for a few seconds. This girl was asking him just to have fun and do something simple. Besides, Marissa suggested they get new interests and do some things separately, hadn't she? Indirectly, he supposed. If he had to pick between soccer and brooding, he knew what he wanted.

"Wait, Abby, I'll play. I have to warn you, I haven't played in awhile but I am still really good." He smiled at her.

She rested an elbow on his shoulder. "I've gone to the state championships three years running and this year we have a shot at nationals, what do you think of that?"

Ryan laughed and responded, "If you went three years and haven't gone nationals it means you lost three times to better teams, so that gives me hope." Abby laughed at him and punched him lightly on the arm.

12121212121212121212121212121212121

Two minutes earlier, Marissa pulled into the school parking lot. She had had a rough night, she supposed. She had expected Ryan to come after her, for some reason. She had waited all night at their abandoned tower on the beach but he hadn't come. That's when she realized how much she expected of him and how contrary she was in everything she told him. She wanted her space and when she pushed him away she expected him to follow. How stupid could she be? She just needed to find him and tell him she was feeling scared and frightened that they were getting so close and she was feeling so committed to him that she had lashed out to put distance between them. She didn't want distance between them though. She wanted to keep it how it was.

She stepped out of her car and was about to head towards their usual hangout when she saw him. He was talking to a girl she had never seen before. That wasn't so bad. She pushed away the feelings of anger that he had found a girl to occupy himself so quickly after their fight. She knew he wouldn't do that. They had love, they were in love. She kept repeating the words to herself. Then the girl leaned in on Ryan's shoulder. Marissa felt the jealousy starting to build but once again she forced it down. It was innocent, Ryan would never cheat on her. Then the girl was punching him and they were laughing. Marissa couldn't watch anymore. She could either make the mistake of walking up to them or just leave. She chose to make the mistake.

Ryan spotted her walking towards him and Abby two seconds before she got to them. He didn't know what to say to her, even if he wanted to say anything.

"Hi," She said through clenched teeth. "I missed you at home this morning." She was trying to be clear that this was her boyfriend and this redheaded bitch better back off.

"Yes well, I couldn't wait around for someone I wasn't sure was coming home." Ryan replied with his eyes narrowed. Marissa felt a pang of hurt and guilt.

"Uh, look, you guys have some stuff, why don't you forget I asked?" Abby started to back away.

"Than…" Marissa started.

"No, that's okay. We'll talk later, won't we Marissa? Let's go. I want to play soccer, it's fun to try new things and get new interests, don't you think? Although like you said, I have played before." Ryan walked off with Abby. Marissa just stood glaring after them. Two could play at this game, when Ryan got home, he was going to have quite the shock.

112112121212121212211221212121212121212121212121

Ryan walked into the poolhouse after school. He wasn't sure whether he would be met with an angry Marissa or an empty poolhouse to show the tactic she would be using in this argument. It was either fire or ice with Marissa and judging by her absence, he supposed she was cutting him out with icy treatment. He sighed. Why couldn't they be normal fro more than one week? It really wasn't fun so much as tiresome. A thought struck him. Why was it worth this? Was anything worth this much trouble? And then his head snapped back to reality and he realized it was Marissa and he thought for one second what it would be like without her. He knew why it was worth it. The door slammed open and Marissa's eyes were ignited with fire. He supposed he had missed his guess.

"What the hell was that today? Look Ryan, I know I said we should have space but I didn't mean go find the next floozy and play a sport you don't like anymore. I meant…"

Ryan's eyes were starting to match her ferocity. "You meant that you should be the one going out and I should just wait here and do nothing until you were ready? That's what you meant, isn't it? Well the hell with that. That's what I have to say about all of that. Marissa, she is just someone from class who asked me to play a game with her and other people. It was completely innocent and if you want to talk about smothering… telling me not to play a game of soccer with someone, don't you think that's a bit sad?"

Marissa huffed her breath out. "No. I think it shows my concern. God Ryan, we live together, we have to deal with these things without running to other people. If this is going to work in the long long term future, especially."

Ryan ran his hand through his hair. "The future? How would I even know if you were thinking about it. You never bring it up and when I do, you usually say let's take it one day at a time and tell me you love me. I know you do but enough for the future. I don't even know what you want to do in the next year."

Marissa knew this was when she should lower the boom.

"Look, I know. The problem is something else entirely and I don't know. I was trying to throw this wedge before I told you so it wouldn't hurt as much but it didn't work. It makes me sadder. I applied to Penn State and got in. I… think I'm going to go.

**A/N- Cliffhanging is fun. Um, so I'll probably wrap the story up in the next few chapters and then do a sequel if there is enough interest. Review if you have the penchant.**


	12. The fun

**A/N-Long time no update. Yes,I know. I hope to update the last few chapters before possibly going on to do a sequel. That's up in the air. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it. It has been ahwile but I will finish it up soon, so get what you can and if you have the inclination, leave me a review.**

"W-What?" Ryan stammered. Sure they had been having problems but he definitely wasn't expecting anything like that to come out of her mouth. "You're considering going to a university halfway across the country and you didn't TELL me! You just thought it could wait?" Ryan's mixture of pain and anger had Marissa scared to respond.

"Look, I just couldn't tell you I needed a backup plan. When we were applying, we were a bit rocky and I thought to myself, should I really only apply to a university that Ryan is going to? Should I limit my potential just for him? And I knew I needed to do something for me. And then I forgot about it because time passed and I moved in. But then I found out I got in, and I saw that living together wasn't exactly working, and I thought to myself, maybe it's a sign." She brushed a piece of hair out of her face and looked into his eyes.

Ryan's body felt like it was shutting down. So many things to process, so many ways Marissa had just hurt him. All these 'what ifs' that hadn't even occurred to him. He struggled for a breath as she stared at him. She was waiting for a response but he didn't know what he could possibly say.

"So… this was for you? Did you consider maybe I would apply to a university nearby? Maybe I would change for you? Because I would have, I would follow your dream if it meant I could be with you. But not if you don't feel the same way. You say you had to do it for yourself, well fine… do it. Do whatever you feel needs to be done so you have your space. I'm not going to hold you back from university. I'll go to one here, since that's all I applied to. I'll see you a couple times a year. It'll be great." Ryan's hurt had just come pouring out and then halfway through; all of a sudden anger was spilling from him.

He stood up, stared at the girl he thought he knew. He hadn't known her at all. Turning to leave his own poolhouse he paused at the door. "Oh, congratulations." His half-smile had her blood cooling.

"Ryan, wait. We can talk about this. I know it's hard to believe but we need…"

Ryan whirled around. He had thought he had said all he needed to but clearly he had more to get out and she wouldn't let it go. "We need? WE NEED? No, what we needed was to talk to each other before this was an issue. I thoughtthis was serious. SERIOUS.Marissa I would have done anything for you. But I can't keep chasing after you, once you make a bad choice and fix it. Not always. It works both ways." He paused and turned to stare at the ground for almost ten seconds. "Or, at least it should. I;m not going to wait around until your ready to decide what you might want. I'm done waiting." He was satisfied now. And he just walked away, even as he heard her protests, her demands for him to come back, he walked on.

81818181818181818181818181818181818181818181881

"And then he was gone." Marissa finished her story to Summer. She took a minute to blow her nose and collect herself. "What do I do?" She was just getting her breathing back to normal and a massive headache was developing.

"Well Coop. You can't DO anything. You messed up. Huge. Why would you even want to go somewhere Ryan wasn't? When you're together, sure you fight but when you aren't… all you ever do is pine for him. I don't think it's him that makes you unhappy, I'd say it was you who wouldn't let yourself be happy. So I guess maybe you need some time alone. Apart." Summer sat on the other end of the line, and for the first time, she was truly disappointed in her best friend. She had ruined her relationships before but this time, she had hurt Ryan deeply, and for seemingly no reason.

"But Sum… I live here now. Do I have to move out? I think I indicated I wanted to but I don't think that's what I want. I got scared. And I pushed him away. Now I'm losing everything. My boyfriend, my soul-mate, my family." Tears started to roll down her face again.

Summer's heart went out to the dumb girl. "Look, you did it. You can fix it. I don't know how, but I'm certain you'll think of a way. We only have a few months left in our senior year. Then college hits. So make them great and if you split up before, after or during, at least you had now." She finished painting her nails and blew on them to dry.

"Thanks Sum, you're right." Marissa smiled a little and wiped away her own tears.

"Yep, I normally am. I gotta go finish up here, I'll talk to you later, okay Coop?"

"Yeah, good night." And she hung up and put her cell down on the edge of the end table. IF she left it there, she could go back down in the morning and get it, giving her an excuse to explain. It was a weak plan, Ryan would probably see through, but it was a plan and she desperately needed one. She turned out the light and left the poolhouse and headed into the main house.

181818181818181818181818181818181818181818181818118

Marissa awoke the next morning, with puffy red eyes and a giant headache. She didn't even want to pull herself out of bed. The only thing that made her consider it was the fact that Ryan was probably in the poolhouse, and she needed to get her cell. She pushed herself out of bed and stretched. A faint smile was lighting her face as she looked into the mirror. She still had some time with Ryan, why ruin it with what if's and maybe's.

She turned towards the door but was stopped in her tracks. On the table by the door sat her cell phone. Her eyes widened, and her heart constricted. There was no note, nothing to say how or who had brought it to her; all she knew was Ryan had been behind it. Her mission was definitely going to be harder than she had anticipated. And it would start at school.

As she showered, she went over her plan in her head. She would find him and convince him that some time together was better than none at all and if they were truly in love, it would happen and if it wasn't meant to be, it wouldn't.

1818181818181818181818181818118818181818181818181

Ryan smiled at the redhead sitting beside him. It had been awhile since he had just plain had fun. Of course he had enjoyed himself with Marissa, but there was always an underlying sexual tension. Right then, he was just smiling, joking around and laughing with another girl but they were only friends. It felt great.

"So, who knew Ryan Atwood, champ brooder and tough athlete… knows I Want it That Way by BSB." She smiled and chuckled at him. "That's something to put down in my memory." Ryan shook his head.

"No, I don't think you need to remember that or you know, repeat it." He crossed his arms, mocking a pout.

"Ha, pouting? Oh come on Ryan. Just let it out, I know you want to… here it comes… " She paused as she felt the music build to the chorus line that everyone knew.

Just as the loud drum beat hit, they both exploded…

**Don't wanna hear you…say…** _They both screamed…_

Ain't nothing but a heartache 

**Ain't nothing but a mistake…(don't wanna hear you say,** _Ryan echoed_

**I never wanna hear you say,… (oh yeah,** _Ryan echoed again_**) I want it that way**

**Tell me why?** _Abby sang_, **Ain't nothing but a heartache,** _Ryan finished._

**Tell me why? **_Ryan asked. _**Ain't nothing but a mistake…**_ Abby finished for him._

_Tell me why, I never wanna hear you say, (Don't wanna hear you say)_

_I want it that way._

They both burst into long fits of laughter. Ryan was the first to stop. He was amazed. Never in his entire life would he have thought thatmaybe, MAYBE a backstreet boys song could apply to his life. The fact it did, and the fact it was making him think, was a little alarming.

"Hey, you okay? You look like somebody pants-ed you in the middle of the playboy mansion while you wore tighty whities. Dude?" Abby nudged his shoulder.

"Oh, sorry. Had a moment. That was so weird." Ryan shook his head.

"Thinking about your girlfriend man? Did you guys work it out yesterday? She seemed pretty steamed." Abby angled her head to look at Ryan.

"Oh, well, uh, no. Not really. I, um, I'm not sure there is an 'us' right now. She's going to go to Penn State when we graduate." Ryan covered his hands with his eyes.

"Oh, sorry man, that's rough." Abby put a hand on his arm. "But what did you fight about?"

Ryan raised his head. "That! And… she didn't exactly tell me she was applying there. Or just didn't mention it at all." Ryan shifted a little in his chair.

"Ohhhh… um. Well maybe she just didn't want to let anyone know in case she didn't get in. Cuz when I went to get my license I didn't tell anyo…" Abby started but Ryan interrupted.

"Oh, no that wasn't it. She just needed a backup plan in case we didn't work. She's not sure we're long-term material." Ryan's heart hurt just when he said the words.

"Ah, so she's practical." Abby bit her lip as Ryan's gaze whipped to her face. "oh, and that broke your heart. Sorry man but it can happen. And what if you both ruined your lives basing it on each other. I see where she is coming from. It's totally why I don't have a boyfriend. I want to make my own decisions right now, I have plenty of time in college and stuff to have a serious relationship. That's just me. I keep things light. But man, you should just have fun, isn't that what it's all about, it's not like people end up with the people they date in high school. Besides, how is she supposed to know what she'll want in ten years,I don't even know what I want for my meals," She smiled and stood up. "Anyway, I'll be late for class, this was fun, we should chill again. Good luck with everything." And then she was gone.

Ryan stood and decided he would go home early. He had lots to think about.

He caught sight of Marissa pulling into the parking lot. He could run or hide. He didn't know what to say to her but he had never run from her and he decided not to start. He saw her walk up. She was wearing sunglasses; he figured it meant she had been crying. Funny how he knew all of her habits. She got out of the car and spotted him. This was going to be interesting. She approached him without hesitation.

"We need to talk. These are our futures…" Marissa started to speak.

Ryan looked at her for a minute and then interrupted.

"Want to go mini-golfing?" He smiled. She hadn't seen him smile like that in a long time.

"What? We have school plus we need to talk about…"

"Yeah, I know. Want to go mini-golfing?" He repeated.

Her confusion made him laugh, he reached out and dragged a completely baffled Marissa to the car.

"I don't have a car, so we'll take this one. Just relax. This should be fun." He smiled as he heard Abby's words echo in his head. As Marissa turned the car on, the sounds of BSB and them singing _It's gotta be you_ made Ryan smile and nod. It just fit.

**Look for the next chapter some time this week. Hope you enjoyed!**


	13. The golf

**A/N- okay, so I'm a bit later with the update than predicted but at least I updated. As for the last chapter, I agree that Ryan was OOC however, it seemed to fit for the plot line,I'd like them to be less serious. Anyway, with that out of the way, here's chapter 13! It's a bit short but that's because the next will probably be really long, so once again, enjoy!**

Marissa slowly pulled the keys out of the ignition as she pulled into the mini-golf parking lot. Her confusion had left her speechless the entire ride. She had glanced over at Ryan from time to time but he had this ridiculously huge smile on his face. Once or twice she would catch his eye and he would give her this strange look. She wasn't sure she understood that either.

Mini-golf? What could they possibly accomplish by going to mini-golf? Unless he wanted to be away from everyone because she was certain _NO ONE_ from school or Newport would be there in the middle of a weekday. But they could have gone back to the poolhouse or _SOMEWHERE_ but why mini-golf? It was weird. He had been acting weird since the other day, when they had fought. She had been too, she supposed. But she hadn't suggested they head over to the nearest park for a quick ride down the slide. She sighed.

Ryan glanced over at her. He knew she was confused. That was fine. But he didn't want her sad or angry. Just a little baffled. He studied her face so he could decide why she had sighed. It was definitely frustrated confusion, and he could deal with that. He quickly got out of the car and walked around to her side as she got out. Marissa looked at him.

"So, here we are," Marissa hesitated on the words.

"Yep," Ryan said as he touched her hand, then pulled it into the warm and safe grip of his own. "Now, let's go in." He brought her hand to his lips and gave it a quick kiss.

Okay. Who was this guy and where was Ryan Atwood? Marissa just didn't have the words but this was definitely weird.

"Riiight, but Ryan, we have to— " Marissa tried to bring up their problem.

"No, we don't have anything to do, just mini-golf. Relax. We need to." Ryan smiled at her. He looked briefly at her lips and she thought he might kiss her. But he didn't. She felt a little pang of regret.

"Uh, okay. Mini-golf. I haven't done this since I was like six with my Dad. I'm not even sure I know how to do it anymore." Marissa tilted her head to the side and gazed with anxiety at the 18 hole course they were approaching.

"Don't worry, it's fun anyway. It's not like Chino had a bunch of these to hang out at anyway. We'll learn together, I'll try and help you." Ryan smiled a little, he hoped this plan or whatever it was would work.

They walked into the clubhouse and paid for their rounds and walked out to the completely deserted course.

"Okay, well the first course is really easy. Just, a straight show up a small kinda hill-like thing. We can do it." Marissa said, although even she didn't believe it.

"Well, if we combine our efforts, maybe we'll do okay." Ryan said.

Marissa looked at him, trying to find some hidden meaning. Was he trying to compare their lives to mini-golf? Was that what he had meant, they both didn't know enough about life but together they would be okay? She needed to say something, this was getting to be insane.

"Okay, what is going **ON**? This isn't my boyfriend. We've never gone mini-golfing, you've never even mentioned it. You've been all perma-grin for the past hour, which has never happened before. And okay, that might be a good thing but for you it means something is up. And you can't start comparing life to mini-golf, I know that's why we're here! It's not even like that, it's time to be serious Ryan, we need to-" Marissa just kept talking and talking. Ryan had been following everything she was saying up until the last part about life and mini-golf.

"Wait, what? Life and mini-golf? I didn't compare anything. We're here because life has been too serious for us Marissa. We're always fighting about a person, communication, something. And now our future's have become this huge what if. We need time to just have fun, be us, live in the now… we'll deal with whatever we need to deal with, later. Right now, I just want to have some happy, uninterrupted time with my… girlfriend… if she still wants to be mine." Ryan bit his lip at the last part of the sentence.

Marissa saw the hint of hurt reflected in the depths of his eyes before he turned away. She knew she had put it there and she couldn't take that. It hurt her too. She took a tentative step towards him. He looked up at her; she reached both arms out to him. He moved forward and threw both arms around her and they hugged each other. The feel of her in his arms, her heart beating against his, the smell of her hair, this was what he had been missing. He smiled to himself. He picked her up and he twirled her around.

"I do." She responded. His head flashed to a future where she would say the same thing, all in a white dress. But he quickly flashed back to the present and at her smiling face, he needed to not take things too quickly or seriously.

"About mini-golf. Um, you take your first shot, and try to get it in the hole. That's what I know. But I know it looks pretty fun, if you're with the right people." Ryan scratched his head.

"Oh, great, so Mr. Mini-golf doesn't know how to play." She smirked at him.

"Well, since you know what to do, why don't you go first?" He looked at her expectantly.

"Fine." Marissa smiled back at him, and stepped up to start their round. She positioned herself and made her first shot, it took two bounces and was off the first hole and entered the third hole's surface. Ryan couldn't hide his laugh at her shot. "Shut up." She said at him but she couldn't keep a completely straight face.

"What if I help?" Ryan asked. He walked up right behind her and put both arms around her, putting them on her club. "Okay, I think we know you have to hit it a little bit lighter than that." Ryan said as he took a sharp intake of breath. Being so close to Marissa was sending his system into crazy flips.

Marissa's heart beat hadn't stabilized, with Ryan so close to her, she could smell him, feel him and nearly taste him. His hand move up the club a little and covered her hand. She slowly turned to look up at him. He was smiling down at her a little, and she was smiling up at him. Slowly their heads moved together and their lips met.

Yes! Yes! her heart seemed to be screeching to her. It was like champagne was slowly coursing through her veins. It was like their first kiss all over again. Their tongues met and she sighed a little and melted back against him even more.

Ryan had just come down from the rocket that had launched when they had kissed. This girl had the most insane power over him and he didn't care. He felt her slow but complete surrender in his arms. He smiled and pulled away. "Trying to delay the inevitable?" He grinned at her stupidly.

She scowled at him and then they took the shot together. It went about 4 feet ahead of them and she turned at Ryan with a fake contemplative smile. "Hm, maybe a bit harder than that, what do you think?"

"I think at least it stayed on this hole that time." Ryan said as he put his ball down and prepared to take his turn.

"Hm, maybe you need a little help? Why don't I just teach you how to take the shot?" Marissa stepped behind Ryan and put her arms around him. She had to stretch a lot because his body was wider than hers but it was still fun. Ryan grinned. Slowly they both took the shot again. It went a bit further than Marissa's and Ryan smiled and turned, he put both arms around her. "Well, you're definitely going to have to teach me how to keep doing that." He gave her a quick kiss.

"Hm, I suppose. And maybe you could give me another tutorial because at least you keep me on the right hole."

Ryan smiled and took her hand. This was exactly what they needed. He knew that they still had the serious stuff to talk over, it was there. They were Ryan and Marissa so there would always be this intensity surrounding them. But he knew that they were also teenagers and needed to have some form of fun, to have a small amount of time together to know why all the pain, seriousness and hurt was worth it. He glanced at Marissa.

Her eyes were full of excitement, happiness and something else. Something like complete joy. There was no shadow of pain or hurt, which he normally saw there. They had both been through a lot. And only now it seemed like they had found a fun place. As Marissa got her ball in the hole after 7 shots and whooped, he chuckled a little and gave her a long kiss. They had needed this.

Marissa smiled at Ryan. They both completely sucked but they were having an amazing time. They had needed some time away from all of the stuff that often suffocated the relationship. She took his hand as they walked to the next hole. This was love too; it was a part that they hadn't given enough attention to. She was glad that they hadn't talked just yet. They would talk of course, but not yet, they had better things to do right now.

**A/N- Okay, that's that. Nothing really resolved but honestly this couple needs to have fun like their first date… it's so rare, I thought I'd write some. I guess most of it makes the characters seem OOC but it just was fun time. Anyway, the next chapter will be the talk dealing with all of this and then I'll wrap it up shortly after. R/R :)**


	14. The best ever

**A/N- Okay, well here is the next chapter, a quick update, because I'm unsure when I'll update next. I'm contemplating a sequel after this one, ideas, thought, opinions would be welcomed.**

"Wow. That was a lot more fun than it seemed like it should have been. If that makes sense." Marissa opened the car door and got out. She turned to Ryan as he did the same. He walked over and grabbed her hand and walked with her to the poolhouse.

"Yeah. It was. We should keep that in mind." He leaned in for a quick kiss as he opened the door. His arm slowly caressed the back of her head as they kissed for a long time. His hand dipped to her knees and before Marissa knew what was happening he had picked her up and was holding her in both his arms. He smiled as she protested.

"What are you doing? Ryan Atwood put me down! Don't even think about putting me in that pool…"

"Oh, I hadn't thought about it but now that you mention it…" He paused as Marissa fought violently in his arms. "Calm down, I won't put you in the pool." He kissed her and made his way back to the door. She reached out and opened it for them both. He kissed her neck as he gradually fell onto the bed, their arms and legs became entwined.

Marissa giggled. They hadn't spent time like this for at least a year it seemed. She hadn't realized how much she missed this side of Ryan and this side of herself. She had forgotten he could bring it out like this. She reached out to pull Ryan's shirt over his head. She wanted to show him her love. His hand covered hers and drew it away from his shirt. Her eyes narrowed and a hint of pain showed in her eyes. Realization dawned and disappointment clouded her eyes.

"Look, I want to… it's just that we can't lose sight of what we came back here for…" Ryan ran a hand through his hair. He hated turning Marissa down when she was basically asking for sex. He had only done itonce before and disaster had hit then. But this time he knew they had to resolve their issues.

She sighed. "I know. It's just been so great going back to the beginning, keeping things simple… I just wanted it to stay like that. But you're right, there are things that we need to be serious about, and things that need to be talked about. So, end of play time."

"Wait, no. Sure we need to talk and be serious but I think this is the problem. We always just end playtime and get serious when talking about our relationship. It doesn't have to be like that. Yeah there are some issues but we don't have to get all grim about it." Ryan brushed a piece of hair behind her ear; he loved being able to touch her like this. He wished it could be forever but that was the crux of the problem.

She smiled at him a little. "Okay, fair enough. How do you wanna… start…this?"

"Well, I don't know, I got us this far." He tickled her side a little. She wriggled away.

"Fine, okay, stop! I'll start. I got... scared. You know that. I started seeing my future and in every picture you were in it. I worried about what ifs. What if you left me? What if you realized one day how much better off you were without me? I couldn't tell you that because you would just brush it off and say you wouldn't or worse, think I was crazy and dump me. I knew I needed to put a little space between us so that my life wouldn't be destroyed if we didn't make it. I applied to Penn State thinking that it would be a safety net for my sanity. Everything was getting so serious, we were so close, I knew how wrecked I'd be without you, so I figured it might hurt less if I took the first step." She shuddered. Finally, she had gotten out all of her emotions from the past few months that had been nagging her.

"Wow. That is pretty scary. Look, Marissa I don't want to leave you. I didn't even consider the possibility. But then you just announced you were moving miles away…. It was me who was destroyed. I had no indication to expect that was coming, nothing. You just… tore my heart out with that news. And yeah, it was getting serious; even I was getting a little edgy. I didn't act on it though. But hey, we're different and that's what makes us work. Let's just say this. No future talk, no what ifs, we just play it like today. We'll keep it simple. And when this year is over, we'll have had an awesome time together, and whatever happens after that… well then it will happen."

Marissa put both arms around Ryan and pushed herself on top of him until she was straddling him. She leaned down and kissed his forehead, his temple, then his lips, just lightly. "Okay. I like that idea… a lot… why don't I prove how much I do?"

Ryan was struggling to breathe. His hands gently held Marissa's sides, he moved them up and down her, slowly. He gave her one of his looks, the one that conveyed everything he was thinking. His eyes told her to go on. He looked so hot when he did that, she thought. She slowly pulled his shirt over his head. She lowered herself to his body and their tongues met in a passion they had been hiding for a long time.

Ryan was so lost in the girl that was currently sitting on top of him, he could think of nothing else. Which was not a bad thing. He knew, from their body positions, she could feel what her kisses and touches were doing to him. He liked knowing she knew how much he wanted her. It was great. He thought about how many more days they would have like this. Then a thought entered his head. He tried to push it away, and focus on Marissa's mouth as it made its way dangerously south but he couldn't get rid of the thought. He reached a hand down and cupped her face. He silently cursed himself for what he was about to do.

"Wait." He struggled to get the words out.

"What?" Marissa was completely shocked he was telling her to wait just as she was edging down his boxers. "What do you mean?"

"I just, I wanted to know if you were going to stat here now, or like move out? I know I have bad timing but I just can't stop… I just wanted to know what your immediate plans are…. About your living conditions, if we need to tell Sandy and Kirsten… um… do you know?" He gasped out the last part as Marissa slid up his body.

"I was about to rock your world, and you're thinking about Sandy and Kirsten? Way to set the mood Atwood. That's fine, I know at least where I won't be spending the night tonight." She pushed herself to a sitting position as Ryan looked at her slightly bewildered. "Here. I won't be sleeping here, after that Ryan." She tried to sit up but he grabbed her and kissed her, pulling her back on top of him.

"Okay, horrible timing. But I was thinking more along the lines of how much more of this we could be enjoying. But I just said we wouldn't think of the future and enjoy the present. So I take back everything I just said and commit myself to enjoy the next few minutes, moments…hours… to the best of my ability." Ryan grinned a little at Marissa. He almost had a pleading look that made her smile at him. But he wasn't going to get away quite that easily.

"Hm, I don't know Ryan, maybe I'm not in the mood anymore…" She smiled wildly at him as she saw his face react to the lie. She was quick, but he was quicker. She tried to jump away from him but he caught her and tossed her onto the bed underneath him.

She looked up into his clear blue eyes; they could read her soul, even if she didn't want them to. She slowly let her eyes wander down his body, his muscular arms, strong chest and amazing abs. God he was amazing, and he was hers. How happy that thought made her. Who cared what came in the future? She certainly did not.

Ryan glanced down at her. She seemed so small, fragile but yet there was this essence of strength inside her eyes. He watched her slowly peruse his body. He took the time to admire her body too. She was perfect. But still fully clothed and he wanted to change that immediately.

He pulled off her shirt, she got rid of his pants completely. All of a sudden a pile of clothes accumulated, her bra, his boxers, her jeans, her underwear. As Marissa got on top one more time and glanced down at the smiling Ryan, she figured they had started the fun part of their relationship with… a bang.

81818181818181818181818181818181818181818181818181818181818188181

"So you guys are back together?" Summer asked. "Wait, did you even break up? Because I wasn't really sure…" She sat at her desk painting her toenails. Marissa was on her bed, recuperating from the previous night.

"Well I don't know if we officially broke up, but that was the best make-up sex I've ever had!" She smiled at Summer. Summer's eyebrows raised.

"The best? Coop! Details, I want details! You can't drop a bomb like that and not tell me." She shoved the nail polish to the side and hobbled over to the drop onto the bed. Marissa just smiled and shook her head. "What? You have to! It's written in some friendship book somewhere. Ryan looks like he would be good anyway. 'Best Makeup sex ever' deserves a good story behind it." Summer pleaded.

"Hm, I guess it does." Both girls whipped their heads to look at the door. Leaning against the door was Ryan. He had a smile on his face. Marissa turned a deep shade of red and Summer covered her mouth.

"Oops," Summer managed to say behind her hand.

"Oh my god." Marissa stated. "Oh. My. God."

"Okay, it was good, but I wasn't a God." Ryan joked, hoping to alleviate some of the awkwardness. Marissa just covered herself with a pillow and Summer giggled a little.

"Hm, uh, so what are you doing here Chino?" Summer asked, trying desperately to pretend the past few minutes hadn't happened.

"Oh, well Seth and I thought you girls might be bored and want to go out but with the direction of the conversation, I could see why you might want to stay in." Ryan moved over to the edge of the bed and sat down gently on the side opposite Marissa.

"Hey, sorry, Mom just wanted to tell us Dad and her were going out for dinner so we'd be alone for the meal. They said we could order out. Um, what's going on? Did I miss something?" Seth questioned as he looked at Marissa huddled under a pillow, Summer glancing oddly at Ryan and Ryan just staring at Marissa. "Hello? I'm here. Geek of the group, about this high… goes out with Summer?" Seth searched the room.

Ryan tore his eyes away from Marissa and cleared his throat. "Well actually--" he began. Marissa shot up from the bed and attacked him with the pillow. "Ow!"

"Nothing happened Seth. You wanted to go out?" Marissa grunted out as Ryan pulled the pillow away and lightly hit her back. Marissa punched him lightly on the arm and whispered to Ryan. "If you want to try for a repeat performance of last night, I would definitely suggest you keep your mouth closed." Ryan's eyes widened briefly before he gave her a quick kiss and looked at Seth who was trying to get Summer to explain what had happened.

"No man, nothing happened. Just that the girls said they wanted to go out, why don't you and Summer decide what to eat and I'll help Marissa clean up the pillows." Ryan suggested.

"Mmhm." Seth agreed. He figured Summer was the only one who would tell him what happened anyways.

"Summer, _nothing_ happened." Marissa glared at her friend as Seth ledSummer away from the room.

"So…" Ryan said, letting the oh sound last a while. "The best ever?" He grinned.

Marissa grabbed the nearest pillow and hurled it at him. She got up and started to leave as he quickly put the pillows on the bed.

"I can do better," He put his arms around her as he stood behind her. His fingers wandered over her flat stomach, up to cup her breasts, and back down again.

Marissa's breath hitched. "Tonight." She smiled and turned, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek, even though he leaned forward for a passionate liplock. "Maybe later." She winked and ran out of the room. Ryan smiled quickly and paused before he ran after her.

Simple was definitely working. It would always be complicated underneath but keeping it simple like this made their relationship work better. The future was coming. It always was though. And why should they worry about something that hadn't happened yet? The coming months were going to be awesome. He skidded out of the door and hurried after her.

**A/N- I know it almost seems like an ending but don't worry its not over, it's just not a cliffhanger in case I don't update for a little while.**


	15. The doubts

**A/N- Hi everyone, long time no update. I agree with the bunch of people who think we need R/M moments now more than ever. I tried to post after last episode but I just was too R/M depressed at the time. But this is a**

Marissa glanced out the window and realized that her time in Newport was coming to a close. She was graduating. And then she was moving away. That fact was starting to get in the way of her and Ryan's relationship. It's not like they talked about it, or even acknowledged it but it was there. It made both of them a little uneasy and made things start to get increasingly hard. She hated the idea now. Only months ago she had wanted to keep her options but now… now… well she wasn't sure what she wanted.

Why was her life always so complicated? Ryan had showed her how to make things simple over the past few months, and she had loved every single minute. She sighed and walked over to the bed and sprawled across it. What was she going to do? Her future was waiting for her to start making decisions but she wished she could stop, and keep her life where it was, it was just so great. She started to feel the familiar panic gripping her. Her mind began to start asking questions. Where was she going? What was she doing? Why didn't she know? Did she want to base all her decisions on Ryan? How could she think things were so simple?

Her thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of her cell phone. Picking it up, she smiled as she answered. "Hey."

"Hi. What are you doing? I was thinking you could come over, and we could watch a movie or something? It's just that Seth is out with Summer and Sandy and Kirsten are gone. And well, Seth found Guess Who, you remember that board game thing? I think I'm pretty good at it, maybe you can challenge me."

Marissa smiled into the phone, enjoying the sound of Ryan's voice. It was so amazing. Every time she would get scared about what was coming, he could somehow sense it, and cut it off before it started. She quickly remembered Ryan had asked her something and tried to remember what he had said. "Um, what?" and she burst out laughing. "Did you just ask me to come over? You realize I live in the same house, right?"

"Oh, very funny. You don't even listen to me when I talk. Worst girlfriend ever. And yes, I knew that. I just wanted to see you." Ryan chuckled a little though.

Marissa grinned even more widely, she loved hearing him call her his girlfriend. It still thrilled her. It brought her back to the moment in the poolhouse when he told her she was his first girlfriend. "No, I was just so lost in your voice, you sex god."

Ryan scoffed into the phone. "Right. Well we can put that to the test, when you come down, why don't you wear a swimsuit and we'll swim first? Or better yet nothing at all…"

"Oh, yeah. Sure. No problem. I'll come down right now. I'm running naked down the stairs."

"You're kidding right?"

"Why don't you just look out and see?"

"Oh my god. No way. I'm not there, I'm in the car, I picked up dinner first. Please, please tell me you're kidding." He was pleading, and he didn't care.

"Sorry. I guess you'll never know. I'm going to shower then. Too bad." Marissa got off the bed, and smiled into the mirror, knowing that she had just got Ryan really good.

"Why not wait and shower with company?" Ryan suggested.

"Well, I don't think I'd be paying much attention to cleaning myself…" Marissa trailed off in a husky voice.

"I'm sure the hunk in the shower with you would look after that. But whatever you want. Two showers wouldn't hurt anyway. Be there soon." And he hung up the phone.

Marissa stared at the phone, deciding whether or not she should be insulted by what he just said. She smiled and got all her stuff together, deciding to have a quick shower then and maybe a longer one later.

She quickly stripped and hopped into the shower. She loved how Ryan could make her sane again. It was like he was her rock. Her sanity depended on him. She nearly dropped the soap as she made that realization. This guy, this man, held the key to her sanity. And she would probably be leaving it behind in just a short period of time. Her hand groped the wall for support. How would she live without him? Could she? She hadn't realized how close they had all of a sudden become. She took a deep breath. What was she going to do?

Stepping out of the shower, she grabbed a towel, wrapped herself in it and went to sit on her bed. This was hitting her hard. So many things were racing through her mind. The ringing of her cell pulled her out of her thoughts for a second time.

"I just got here and you aren't here. Are you on your way down? Don't forget to wear your swimsuit, or I mean… you could come naked…" Ryan waited for Marissa to interrupt him and chastise him for his word choice, or play along and flirt over the phone. Her silence made him a little uneasy. "Well I guess you can **come** in any clothing." He was pretty much talking sex over the phone and she still hadn't responded. "Um, Marissa? Are you still there? Wait a second… is this Marissa?" He started to panic a little, checking to make sure he hadn't dialled Seth or Summer's number.

"Oh. No it's me. You know what, I don't think I can do it tonight, I just have a lot to," she caught herself before she could say 'think about' and changed her wording, "Um, do. I have a lot to do. For homework. Um. Yeah. I should do it. Why don't you go out and catch Seth and Summer? Or like that girl, I don't remember her name… the redhead?"

"Is something wrong?" Ryan set the food down and debated whether he should sit and eat or go up to Marissa anyway.

"No. I just need to get stuff done. I have to be serious for school. You know that. For Penn State."

"Oh. Right." As soon as she threw in Penn State, she put up that little barrier. Ryan knew what she was trying to do. He didn't want to let her do it. He needed to stop her from pushing him away, but over the phone was definitely not the way to go. "Uh, okay well whatever. I'll go catch a movie or something… you sure though?"

Marissa sighed, relieved. "Oh, yeah. I need this time. You know how it goes. I'll call you when I have it figured out." She could have slapped herself for saying that. She scrambled for an excuse. "I mean, when I have a schedule and a plan for my homework. That's what I meant. I'll talk to you later." She hung up and buried her face in her hands. Oh god. What was she going to do?

118181818181818181818181818181

An hour later, a knock sounded at her door. Marissa was about to get up to answer it when the door opened anyways.

She was sitting on the floor, her head was resting on her hand and she had been thinking. She didn't seem to be doing too much work, exactly as he had suspected. He didn't know what was bugging her, but he knew she'd tell him now. Even if he had to force it out of her.

He was there. And just by the look in his eyes, she knew that he knew she had lied. Damnit! He looked so hot with his leather jacket and jeans. But it wasn't that, that made her gasp. It was what he was holding in his hand. A single red rose.

He cleared his throat. "So I thought maybe I'd just come up and say hey for a minute."

She just stared at him, what was she supposed to say? "Look, I did need time, just to think. What's that?" She said, pointing at the rose.

"Well, it's for you. I was hoping it would make you tell me what was wrong, because I knew something was. What's going on?" He huffed out the last sentence.

"It's just something I have to deal with." She turned away from him but he reached over and brought her face to within two inches of his.

"Tell me. Share with me. Let it out. I'm here, like always. What's going on?"

She sighed. So many questions, where could she possibly begin? "Look it's just a lot. All of this college crap that I was avoiding… it caught up and then I realized that I would be leaving you soon and I depend on you too much, I can't keep relying on you because you won't be there."

"Yes I will. I'm here Marissa. I've said it how many times? I love you. You can tell me anything and I don't mind being the first person you call or talk to when something major happens… after Summer." He smiled at her.

"I know you want to be there. But how long can we make this work? I'm leaving. It's going to be over because we'll say we'll talk everyday, and we will for the first month but then what? Either way, leaving is going to destroy me. But if I leave, and I am depending on you for my sanity, I won't be able to survive! It was so uncomplicated for the past few months but it can't keep going like this. We're growing up. And I don't—" She took a deep breath but Ryan cut her off.

"So why are you leaving? If I am so important why are you leaving? I don't get it. I just don't. You're Marissa Cooper. You're an independent girl…woman. You are. You make decisions by yourself all the time. But your also one half of Ryan and Marissa, and we make decisions together. That's how it is. Look, don't push me away just because you're scared."

"What? I'm not scared, I'm being realistic."

"No, you're pushing me away because you are afraid of what will happen when we separate. Well, I'm not letting you tear us apart before it has to be done. You mean too much to me for that. We have a few weeks left before anyone has to go anywhere. I intend to spend them with the person I have loved the most in this world. You are the only person who has had faith in me from day one, I told that Berkley guy that too. I don't know if I can leave you, and when that day comes, we'll have to be pried apart but NOT before that. Please." He ended his speech with a deep breath. "But I won't be an idiot either. If you want this to be it… then I'll let you go, but for good."

Marissa looked into his eyes. God she couldn't have kissed him for the last time, held him, had sex with him for the last time. This couldn't be how they ended. She didn't want this. What did she want?

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT." Marissa shouted. She looked at Ryan, who was more than slightly puzzled. "I just know that I don't want to lose you. I'm scared. I need someone to understand. I'm sorry. Just hold me." Ryan put both arms around her and placed the flower in her hair.

"I'm here. It's okay. Why don't we start with something simple. Go to prom with me?" He questioned.

She smiled widely. "Oh. I don't know about that. Those freshmen are making a serious pitch for me this year. Three already tried. But I mean, I guess I could go with you. If you bring me another flower. And you wear a suit. I haven't seen you in one, in a long time. And you didn't wear one last year."

"Well this year's will be way better because we'll have a whole plan and I'll be there from the beginning."

"Oh yeah? I guess I can agree with that. Now, I'm kinda hungry, so what did you get for dinner and is there any left? And how about some Guess Who now?" Marissa grinned at Ryan.

"Well, I got Thai, and I left you a plate downstairs. And for dessert, I got whipped cream. I think it's time we discovered its many wonders…together." Marissa raised her eyebrows at Ryan.

"Oh, don't you think you're getting ahead of yourself?"

"Speaking of head…" Ryan trailed off.

"Ryan!" She smacked him in the head with a pillow and raced off downstairs but pausing in the doorway. "Coming?" And she grinned devishly before racing to find the plate of food.

Wow. The girl was a mix of emotions. But he loved her because of them. He didn't want to let her know, but he was scared too. He was losing her. He didn't want to let it happen. And he wanted to find some way to make sure he didn't.

**A/N- Hey all. This is specifically about Marissa and her character. I know she's all over the map and really frustrating, but it's for a reason and in the next few chapters, I'm hoping her character will make more sense…**


	16. The prom

**A/N- okay sorry it's been so long between updates. I have the next chapter done, I'll put it up in a little while, this chapter is a lot of fluff but as a maryan fan,I say we need it! Btw, thank you to the reviewers, it's basically the reason I update :)**

It was prom night. Ryan hated having to wear a suit. After all this time, he still hated having to wear them. And he hated what this meant for him and Marissa. This would be one of their last Newport events as a couple. It was just going to be so depressing.

Over the past few weeks, everything had started to be "the last time" that they had done anything. It was like they were both waiting for the day when it would be over. Neither had talked about it though, neither wanted it to happen. Ryan still didn't know what was going to happen when she left. Would they end it completely? Leave it open-ended? Stay committed? He really didn't know and he definitely didn't want to talk about it. He was sure it would practically kill him to lose her. She had made Newport home, just as much as the Cohen's had.

He wished things were different but of course they were not. He adjusted his tie and turned to check for Marissa's corsage. It was where he had left it. He took a deep breath, took one last look at the mirror and left the poolhouse to go find Marissa.

* * *

"Sum! Oh my god. This is our prom!" Marissa shrieked at Summer as she fixed her makeup in the mirror. "Can you believe it? I mean, how long have we known each other and tonight, it's all… well we're moving on."

"Don't cry Coop! I just got my face perfect and if you make me cry…" Summer let the threat linger.

Marissa turned back to the mirror and stared at herself. She sighed. Tonight was going to be completely bittersweet. It would be perfect. And yet she would be leaving it all behind. But that's why she had to enjoy everything. She had to have the most fun possible. She knew that tomorrow, she would have to face Ryan and she would have to say goodbye. She knew this. And she also knew Ryan did not. That was another reason it hurt. She straightened her shoulders in the mirror.

"Coop, Ryan is going to die when he sees you." Summer admired her from behind.

"So's Seth. He's going to at least pass out. And need water. It'll be fun watching him fumble for words."

Marissa got everything set in her purse and turned to the door as she heard a knock. Kirsten's head poked in.

"Hey guys, just letting you know that the boys are downstairs waiting, whenever you're ready."

"K, we'll be down in a few seconds, thanks." Marissa responded. She knew that they wouldn't be but it felt wrong to say they would be another 10 minutes.

"Right. I'll get the camera out and occupy the guys for a bit then." Kirsten smiled and closed the door.

"She's too smart for that. And to think, she never had a daughter." Summer observed.

"Yes well. I mean…Seth?" Marissa questioned.

"True. Anyway, remember back in the seventh grad when we promised to get ready together for prom, we also said that we would swear to each other friends for life again."

"Yeah. I remember. Friends for life Sum, just cuz I'll be gone for a little bit, doesn't mean the distance ends us. You know that right?" She asked as she hugged Summer.

"Of course. What about you and Ryan, same goes?"

"Um, actually. I don't think so."

"What? He's not going to wait for you?"

"Well it's not that," Marissa tried to usher Summer out the door but Summer sat on the bed, as if demanding details. "Fine. It's just that I'm not going to ask him to. It's not fair. Don't give me that look."

"What? The 'you're being an idiot' look? Well I can't help that, because you are. Coop, that guy would stand in hell for you, waiting for eternity, and that's exactly the reason why he shouldn't have to. And besides, you leaving would be hell for us both anyway. You have to ask him about the possibility."

"Look, can we please just have the best night ever and deal with whatever comes, tomorrow? Please Sum."

Summer got up and hugged Marissa again. "Sure, now let's go make our guys lose their minds."

* * *

"I don't get it." Sandy stood staring.

"Dad. It's a digital camera, honestly." Seth massaged his temple.

"Guys do we really need pictures though?" Ryan inquired.

"Dude, that's like asking if Luke needed R2D2… he was great just to have. Personally I'm not a—Holy mother of Moses and all that is good in this world." Seth's head whipped to the stairs.

Ryan turned, since his back was to the stairs and his heart just stopped. Marissa stood before him in a red dress that made her look absolutely gorgeous. She walked down the remaining steps, walked up to him and kissed him fully on the mouth. Ryan's hands moved to her hips and he smiled into the kiss as he felt Marissa do the same. Just at that moment, the flash went off and they both turned to Sandy.

"Oh. Oops?" He said and smiled goofily. Ryan and Marissa both returned the smile and then grinned at each other.

"Wow. You look…"

"You too."

They stood staring at each other for a few moments before Kirsten and Sandy started to position them for pictures. After a few minutes, they were on their way out to the limo.

"Well Coop. I always knew we'd share a limo. Or at least I hoped we would at the time." Summer smiled across the seat at Marissa and Ryan, they looked so cute holding each other's hands. "Tonight is going to own!"

"Summer, you did not just say own."

"Shut up Cohen." And the two of them started to bicker, leaving Ryan and Marissa to talk to each other.

"I'm glad this year we get to be together from the start to the beginning. None of this 'just in time' crap." Marissa said.

"Yeah. I know. What did you even mean? I was just in time to dance? Before it ended? It never was really clear to me, I just kind of was happy to see you and pretended I knew."

"Oh, well I had nearly lost faith in you… us. But you showed up and it was like, yes, this will work. He's here. He cares. He wants this. That's all."

"Oh. Well, I mean, of course." Ryan smiled. "You aren't going to make me dance too much tonight are you? It's not my favourite activity. It's been established I'd rather watch you dance."

"Oh, well I could always find some other randoms who might want to dance with me."

"That, will not be happening." Ryan wrapped an arm around Marissa's shoulders and kissed her lightly on the cheek. "Tonight, you and me. Forever." He whispered into her ear. She smiled and felt the pain ease into her heart. This night was going to be one that she'd always remember and she hoped it would be with happiness and not sadness.

* * *

"Okay. I love the theme, the whole Fly Me to the Moon vibe, it works for me. Our future is in the stars, I get it. Why are there anime characters on the wall?" Marissa asked. She turned, "Seth?"

"It was not my fault, they asked for suggestions because they heard I could draw, I simply showed them art that interested me and I…"

"Nevermind. Sorry I asked. Where's Ryan?"

"Oh well he went to the bathroom like an hour ago, so I don't know. He's around." Seth shrugged and turned back to tell Summer more about the anime designs.

Marissa walked off in search of Ryan, she found him staring out a window. "Hey." She said, placing her arms around him and putting one of her hands directly over his heart. "Missed you."

Ryan looked up as she touched him. The words she said tore his insides apart. "Not yet you don't. I'm sorry, I take that back, tonight is ours, lets have it." All or Nothing by O-Town started and he smiled. He grabbed her hand and led her out onto the floor.

They were dancing for a few minutes when they saw Summer and Seth walk up to the deejay. Marissa's head was resting on Ryan's shoulder as they danced to Mariah Carey's We Belong Together. After a pause, the deejay announced, "This one goes out to a special couple, their special song, Forever Young. The Fab Four forever." Ryan and Marissa smiled at each other and danced as if they were the only two people left in the world.

"Wow, I think you've danced for like, a straight hour." Marissa said a little while later.

"Hm." Was all that Ryan said in response.

"Tonight's been great. I'm glad I had it with you." Marissa took a deep breath. She leaned closer to him. "Why don't we get out of here though? I know this guy that has a poolhouse to himself, a brother out of the house, and parents who think the guy's gonna be gone for a long time."

"But this is prom, don't you want to spend time with all these people? You'll never see half of them again." Ryan reminded her.

"Well, the important ones I will, and besides, you're most important. I want us to have a special part of this night. I gave these people part of the best night of my life. I want to give the rest to you."

Touched, Ryan just nodded and grabbed her hand as she picked up her purse. "We'll leave the limo for Seth and Summer okay?"

"Yeah, I want to walk. I want us to do everything possible."

Ryan led them out of the door and down the stairs. It started to lightly drizzle and he smiled up into it. "Wow. It never rains and on our prom night, it decides to? Must have gotten wind of the underlying current."

"Well whatever current it has, I love rain."

"Here, take my jacket. Please." He put it over her shoulders. Marissa didn't mind because it made her warmer and plus it gave her the chance to see Ryan getting wet in a white shirt.

They walked in the rain, holding hands for about ten minutes and then it started to become a downpour. "Why are we doing this?" Ryan turned to Marissa suddenly.

"What? You wanted to leave the limo!" Marissa responded.

"No, I mean this. We're avoiding this giant issue but it's all either of us is thinking about and we both know it." Ryan stopped walking and grabbed her arms.

"I just want tonight. Give me tonight please." Marissa shook free and turned away.

"I just can't. I have to tell you. When I got here 3 years ago, I never thought I'd even be close to where I am now. Who knows what's coming? I couldn't tell you. I don't know. It's funny like that. No matter what I forecast to happen in the future it will never be even close to true. Do you think that theory would work if I predicted never seeing you again? It doesn't matter. Either way. My point is, I never could have predicted having you in my life over the past 3 years because nothing good ever really happened to me. But you have. And for that. Thanks."

Marissa pulled him close to her. Their wets bodies left nothing to the imagination. They held onto each other for what seemed like forever. "No. Thank you."

Ryan smiled back at her as they continued the last portion of the trip to the poolhouse. The poolhouse was dark except for the reflection of lights coming from downstairs that the Cohen's had left on.

Ryan opened the door and walked over to light a candle. He turned in time to see Marissa slip his jacket off. She then walked slowly to him. She turned seductively, looked back over her shoulder and said "I just can't seem to get out of this zipper on my own… care to help?" Ryan grinned wickedly as he slowly lowered the dress to the floor. Next he massaged her shoulders gently. He noticed they were both starting to shiver so he stopped and they both laughed.

"Okay so maybe it's not perfect but…"

"It's us. Nothing's ever perfect." Marissa said simply. Ryan smiled.

"Yeah. Exactly." He pulled her closer so they could get hot off each other's body heat. "Oh wait. He turned and put the Model Home Mix she had remade him into the CD player and turned it on. Smiling, she reached for him, completely naked. He backed her into the bed, took a small jump, landed on the bed beside her and prepared himself for a night they would both alwayyyyyyyys remember.

**Read it and if you could, a review is awesome.**


	17. The goodbye

**A/N- Thanks for all the reviews guys and gals. This isn't a long update but I had it done like I said soI thought I'd post it. Enjoy, I'll update when I can.**

Marissa awoke knowing that the night was over, and that meant morning. Morning meant seeing Ryan. And telling him it was over. She covered her face with her hands. The night before had been great. She snuck back into the house at 4 am and had pretended to be getting back from a party when all she'd done was stay in the poolhouse. The night before had been almost magical. But reality was here and she had things she had to do.

She shoved herself out of bed and prepared for the day. She got dressed, brushed her teeth and slowly headed down the stairs. Summer sat on a stool, eating a bagel and drinking coffee.

"Morning Coop. Where'd you go last night? We went to this party after but you weren't there."

"Oh, we went back to the poolhouse, that's all." She smiled knowingly at Summer. "Oh. Did Ryan convince you to stay?" Summer asked, raising an eyebrow. Neither of them noticed Ryan approaching from the backyard, he quickly ducked behind a bush to listen to their conversation, hoping to get details on the night before and to hear just what girls talked about.

"Ryan is not convincing me to stay Sum. It's not going to happen. I can't. I have to go. If I ever became one of those girls who do everything for her boyfriend I would hate myself. Nope, I'm sticking with the plan. Last night was awesome but this morning's when I have to tell him… it's…it's over." Marissa sighed out as she poured coffee.

Ryan stood outside, all of his hopes and thoughts of their future crashed around him. He stood rooted to the spot until he heard her say 'over'. A barrier seemed to come down, covering his emotion, his eyes remained almost unchanged. He turned on his heel and rushed back out into the poolhouse where he whipped the door shut.

"What's over?" Kirsten asked, walking into the kitchen. Marissa turned to warn Summer and tell her not to say anything but it was too late.

"Oh good, maybe you can help. Coop's being a douche, oh sorry. A… a…. an idiot." Summer stumbled.

"Well, I hope I can help. What's going on?" Kirsten poured herself a cup of coffee and sat down on a stool, patting the one in between her and Summer, asking Marissa to sit with them.

"Uhh. Well fine. It's just, I'm leaving. And after last night, Ryan and I had such a great time that I want to end it on a high note, I'm…I'm going to break up with him. I want to be like _Friends,_ I want to go out on top, and where everyone watches the reruns fondly. Because it can't work. We're in high school and what are our chances? It's way more sensible to put my career first because it just makes sense… and I need to do that now don't I? Oh god. Break up with Ryan?" She shuddered as she started to cry and both Kirsten and Summer put an arm on her back to soothe her.

"Look Marissa. If you want to put your career first and be sensible, then do that, and there's nothing wrong with it. But if you are just breaking up with Ryan because you're scared, you will regret it for the rest of your life. Sometimes people make it through high school and end up together. It has happened. And besides, you're mother is Julie Cooper… she doesn't generally do the sensible thing does she? Something tells me you are the same way. Facts are facts. And here's probably the one fact you're forgetting, the most important one… Ryan loves you and you love him too. And just judging by the way he looked at you last night, I'd say he isn't about to stop anytime soon." She finished her speech and stood up. "Now, I'm going to go get ready for my yoga class, I hope you think about it before you do anything." And she left.

"Oh god, Sum. What do I do?"

"Go out there, and do whatever your heart wants you to do. Look him in the eye and just… do whatever thought comes first. Sometimes it's best just to react."

"Right." Marissa wiped her eyes, took a deep breath and forced her weak legs off the stool and out the door to the poolhouse. The door was shut, which was unusual so she tried to open it. It was locked. She frowned. Something was up. Ryan never closed the door or locked it unless she was in there with him. She knocked.

"Ryan?" After about ten seconds, the door opened and she found the room in shambles. "Whoa. What happened in here?" Marissa asked.

"Packing." Ryan said and picked up a pile of clothes, shoving it into a nearby bag.

"Um, okay. Why?" Marissa asked, completely confused. Was he going on a trip she forgot about?

"College. I figured I could leave a bit early, get a job, stay around there, get a feel for the area first. Or if not, then just go on a trip somewhere. There's nothing here anymore. School's over."

Marissa's heart physically hurt at the way he said the last two sentences. "Wait. But I came here to… you can't just…"

"Leave? Why? That's what you're doing isn't it?"

"Wait. Ryan. I came out here to breakup with you but then—"

"Well, I guess you don't have to. Cuz I guess I did that for you. It's funny isn't it. How love works. I love you. And you've said for how long that you love me? But what does it really add up to anyway? I loved you enough to let you go. I didn't know why but I still somehow found it in me to let you go. But you didn't love me enough to stay, to stay on your own free will. And that's when it hit me. Yeah, I love you. And I'll let you go, but I have to cut it there. It can't be open-ended. It hurts too much. So when you walk out that door Marissa, when you leave, it will be the last "last" for us."

"But Ryan I—"

"I can't, I'm tired of it. I don't want to hear it anymore Marissa. This entire year I've been trying so hard to please you, have you noticed? I wanted us to keep it simple, so you could see how much you meant to me and you could realize that we have a future. But you didn't. It doesn't get any simpler than that. I get it. I...I guess I'll see you, and if not, we had last night. If it meant what you said. I don't know anymore.All I know is we're done. We're done. Goodbye." He turned away. As he turned, all of her thoughts fell out of her head. Everything she had planned on saying stopped. All she knew was that he was asking her to leave his life and to never come back. All that was working in he brain was repeat. One word. _Goodbye._

**Read and Revision!**


	18. The Confusion

**A/N- Kay, I'm reeeeeally sorry about the lack of updating, here's one, chapter. I hope to wrap this story soon. It kinda made itself a bit longer than expected. Read and review, as much as I hate to admit it, they do indeed motivate to post.**

She stood rooted to the spot. Ryan had just dumped her. Prom night had been amazing but then the next morning…she had somehow known. She was supposed to have broken up with him. But when she'd walked in the room, she just couldn't find it in her to say that last goodbye to him. All this time she had been thinking about herself. And not how Ryan would feel, what it would be like.

And now she knew.

It couldn't end like this. She couldn't let it. "No."

"What?" He turned to face her, to make sure he heard her properly.

"No."

"I don't think it's--" Ryan whirled around to face her but she cut him off.

"It doesn't matter what you think right now Ryan! It's what you know, and right now you don't know anything so just shut up and listen because I'm not losing you, not after all of this and not because you're being a baby and not listening to me." She huffed out the last sentence and paused. They both stared at each other; Ryan's mouth dropped a little in shock. He quickly recovered and responded.

"Me? I'm being a baby? Look who is running away! And you don't even know why? You want to find yourself? Maybe you need to watch less Dawson's Creek. And stop with the teen drama. Marissa we're going to college, we're adults now, people have relationships."

"I know Ryan. I know. Please, stop fighting with me. I just need to talk to you about all of this. Just hear me out, if you don't like what I have to say, keep packing, and leave. I wouldn't make you stay, I'll give you back the same treatment you gave me." She looked up and into his eyes, there was this shutter he seemed to have up and she couldn't read what was going on. She was so good at it but right then, all he had on was a blank expression and she didn't know if he would even give her such a simple request. "Please."

The sob-like sound attached to the last 'please' made Ryan's heart tug. But he couldn't give in, he couldn't just allow her to rip his heart to pieces again. Although, he thought, there wasn't much more damage she could do. Her eyes stared into his almost unblinking. "Alright. Alright." He said.

She nearly collapsed with relief. She grinned a little, it was all she could do not to shout out her happiness. Instead she just nodded her head. "Do you want to sit or…?" She trailed off as he shook his head. "Um, okay. We can do this standing I guess. Look, when you showed up here… I was so happy because there was this new exciting guy and he challenged me to be different, to be the unexpected. And I loved it. And then I started to love him, the guy…you. I knew you would always keep me safe. Over the past few years, my life hasn't worked without you. It just hasn't been good when we weren't together, or when we were fighting." She paused and looked over at him. He was massaging his forehead.

"That doesn't make any sense, Marissa. Why would you want to leave if…?" He sighed and shook his head.

"Wait. I'm getting to that. Just listen. My life was always so complex, twists, turns, backflips… but you made it simple, you and me. That was all I needed. I realized that this year after everything we went through, all I would ever need was you. But it scared me so much Ryan, I didn't know what to do about it. Everything was starting to get messed up, what if I lost you? What ifs started to take over my thoughts. It's true that you get scared the longer you have something because it seems like it's getting closer to the time you lose it. I was getting so scared." She blew out a last breath and brushed the hair out of her face.

She wished she could sit, she wished she hadn't done a lot of things. She glanced towards the bed, thinking about possibly sitting. That wasn't really an option though because of all the times they'd spent together there, or even the nights they had taken their love to the chair, the floor, any available surface in the poolhouse held memories that she could never forget.

"But I wouldn't leave you. How could you think that?" Ryan's voice interrupted Marissa's thoughts. "If you think that then what the hell have we been doing these past few years? You don't know me at all."

"No. It's not like I thought you would do it on purpose, I was just afraid that you would somehow think that we WERE from different worlds again and we wouldn't work. I never doubted your love, I just doubted life in general. But that's besides the point. I was scared I would lose you. Scared a lot. Ryan somehow throughout our time together, I lost myself. I didn't know who I was without you. I don't know if you know how terrifying it was to come to that conclusion."

"I do." Was all that Ryan offered. He turned away from her.

"I…I didn't know what to do about it. The only thing I knew for sure was that college was the next step in life and I had control over it. I figured…I figured if we broke up because of me, I could handle it a little better…I could deal with it—"

"You can't just play with my emotions like that Marissa. You've been playing me hot and cold all year but I put up with it, I gave you space. All this time you've just been waiting to dump me. Do you know how awful that sounds, and then today when I do it for you, you suddenly change your mind? It's just because you didn't have the control over the break-up, so you want us to get back together for like a week so that we can break it off when and how YOU want. That's it, isn't it?"

"No. It's not true; I can't handle it either way. I can't break up with you Ryan, now or ever. I need you Ryan. I need you now. I need you like I've never needed anyone in my entire life. If you walk out that door, you'll be taking my heart with you and I'll never get it back."

"And this changed how? In the last five seconds? I heard you Marissa. I heard you! Just now to Summer. I came strutting out of the poolhouse, expecting to hear what an amazing time last night was and maybe, just maybe the possibility that you would want to stay now. But no. Apparently that wasn't in the cards, last night just made you want to break things off. Imagine my surprise. Imagine how I felt. Because you haven't been doing that. Stop thinking about your fucking self for one moment and think about me." Ryan flung his arm out and his bedside lamp flew off the table and shattered. He glanced down at his arm where there was a small cut and he looked down at the glass spread across the floor. His voice lowered to almost a whisper as he continued.

"Think about how I felt. You know what. Don't bother. I can't even fight with you." Ryan stormed past her and headed towards the bathroom. Marissa watched him walk away, watched him leave her and for the first time truly realized how deeply hurt he was and how much work she needed to do to prove she loved him. To prove this was it for her. She wanted to yell out to him to come back but she was interrupted by a knock at the door. "Go away!" Ryan yelled from the bathroom.

Marissa whirled around to look at the door. She wasn't sure whether to open it or let the person stand there. She was about to ask who it was but was saved the trouble.

"It's Summer. We uh… we just wanted to make sure everything was okay. I heard the crash…Coop?"

"Uh…" Marissa took a deep breath; through all the tears and emotional trauma she was experiencing. "I'm fine. We're fine. Just a lamp. I'll talk to you later Sum." Marissa tried to indicate now was not a good time.

"Um, okay Coop. We're all in the house… we're not listening it's just we heard the crash…if you need anything we can hear if you holler."

"Right." Marissa walked towards the bathroom door and leaned just her forehead against it. "Ryan? Ryan? Please. Open up, let me in." After a moment's hesitation where she thought he wouldn't, the door opened. He was seated on the lid of the toilet, staring at the mirror. He looked up at her. She kneeled in front of him and took his wrist.

"Oh my god. Are you okay? Ryan?" He nodded his head. "Okay. I didn't know you heard all of that but what you missed was Kirsten. She gave me advice. She told me to go for what I want, not for what I thought I wanted or what I thought was logically best. And so I came out here, to tell you I love you Ryan. And I want to stay. I want to make us work. I want all of this. But I can't do it all alone. If you don't think we can get past this together… then… then… I can let you go. It would kill me…but I would do it because I'd have to. After all throughout this entire year…I made my final realization all I want..is you. Everything I need, you have."

Ryan looked deep into her eyes. He leaned in to kiss her, and he felt all her emotions and relief swamp him. He kissed her like he had a thousand other times when she had been unsure and he had been there to make her feel better. And it hit him. They ALWAYS did this. It wasn't Marissa if they didn't have a major conflict and this time it was _her_ who had created it. Out of nothing. "No." He said into the kiss. He pulled himself back and got up and walked out of the bathroom. "No." He repeated. "I can't keep doing this Marissa. I can't keep having these almost break-ups. They kill me."

"You think I like them too?" She questioned, getting upset.

"Well I don't know. It's just they seem to be almost routine. I can't keep doing this with you Marissa. What makes this time different? What makes this any different from any other fight that we've had? How do I know? I can't. I think…I think maybe I need to go for a bit. Just to see how we'd work apart. I can't see clearly right now and I can't see what will have changed for us. I just…need something… saying you'll stay is great but you've said some things before and changed your mind. I can't live my life waiting for yours to catch mine… I'm ready, I don't know if you are…" He grabbed his half packed bag and turned to the door. He took a few steps and stopped. He turned around and faced her again. "It really is too bad. I really love you Marissa. And I do need you too. Just not half of you, I need the whole deal." He paused staring at her, before turning around and facing the door.

Marissa watched him; he was walking out of her life. She had lost him. Nothing was making sense. Everything was a jumble of words, emotions, thoughts. She didn't know what to do. She had to stop him. She didn't know how. He couldn't leave. She wouldn't let him. Words raced through her head.

"Ryan. Ryan. You can't leave. Ryan… Marry me!" Her last two words brought Ryan to an abrupt stop, as the room was forced into silence.

**A/N- If you DO R&R, let me know which way you think I should go with this... I already have an idea, just wanting to see what the reaction is of the audience.**


	19. The fallout

**A/N- whoa, I know, I updated! Enjoy!**

Marissa's hand flew up to her mouth as she gasped in shock. What the hell had she just said? When had that thought even REGISTERED on her radar? She was 18! That wasn't in her plans at all. And yet it had been the first thing that came to mind, so maybe it was what she had wanted all along. But if she was confused, Ryan was the posterboy for utter shock and disbelief. Her eyes widened and her hands grew sweaty almost immediately. Ryan looked similar to what Marissa supposed a deer in headlights looked like, although he also had a touch of confusion mixed in. What had she done?

"Uh, well. When I said…what I meant… what I mean… I'm not sure." Marissa brushed her hair out of her face. Shit. What on earth had compelled her? Her love, her fear of losing Ryan, she had to keep reminding herself that she almost had.

Ryan still hadn't moved, which she wasn't sure if that was a good or bad thing. He hadn't exactly thrown her out but he hadn't accepted without hesitation. But then again, seriously, at their age? And he had just dumped her. So what did she expect? So many things were whipping through her head at the moment and she didn't know what to do. "Ryan?" She questioned, she took a step toward him and then stopped. She didn't want him to retreat. She sighed, oh god, this was way too hard.

"Ryan, man?" Seth poked his head into the poolhouse. Marissa whipped her gaze over to him. "Dude, are you okay, you don't look too good? Did you eat something? Doesn't he look pale?" Seth turned to see Marissa and missed the fact that she too looked ill and had obviously been crying. "Oh, dude, you too? Seriously it better not be contagious. But yeah, you know how we said we would help Mom set up for the charity benefit tonight, well apparently that means we have to leave now and I suggest you hurry. Oh, what's with the bag? Going somewhere?" Seth joked but when no one responded he just crossed his arms. "okay, what's going on. You aren't going anywhere, are you Ryan?"

"No. He isn't." Marissa said, looking imploringly at Ryan, trying to read something from him. "But if you could um, leave us alone Seth. We just have to talk about…"

"Boys." Kirsten said, as she stepped in the door too. "Oh, hey Marissa. I forgot I needed the boys this morning. Is everything okay?" Kirsten asked, taking in the appearance of both Ryan and Marissa. "Summer's waiting in the car, she said you could go hang out at her house today, until the party tonight." Kirsten gave Marissa's shoulders a squeeze. Marissa turned to Ryan, hoping he would say something. He hadn't said anything since she had…since she'd asked him to… oh GOD. "Actually, we were kind of just finishing up, if you could give us a sec--" Marissa asked but was interrupted.

"We should go." Three words. That was all Ryan could put together. His world felt like it had flipped over, shaken itself and he wasn't sure he fit into it anymore. The past hour had just changed everything.

Marissa looked at him. Hard. He didn't flinch but he didn't look at her either, couldn't. "Oh. Okay." Marissa said. She looked away.

Kirsten saw the pain makes its way across Marissa's face and she just wanted to help. "Seth, you know what, I need you to look at something in the house. Now." She pulled him out the door leaving both Ryan and Marissa alone, again.

Marissa looked at Ryan sadly. After everything, this was it. "I'll just…let myself out." She stepped to the door but he stopped her with a hand on her shoulder.

"This isn't over. We'll talk later." He pushed her lightly with his hand at the bottom of her back. Even such little contact was setting off bombs for both of them. After the previous night, the passion carried over. He turned out the light, shut the door and stopped.

Marissa gazed into his eyes; she had no idea what was going on. "Um?" She questioned.

He shook his head. He was so uncomfortable with her all of a sudden. Well, it wasn't all of a sudden, there was a reason but she wished they could talk it over, get through to each other. At least he had said it wasn't over...that could be good, right?

Ryan looked at Marissa. Should he kiss her? Hug her? Shake her hand! Well he was sure you couldn't shake someone's hand after they proposed, there had to be a written rule of that SOMEWHERE. His eyes searched her face, his stomach was doing gymnastics and he didn't even know why. Seth leaned out the door of the mainhouse.

"Dude, we really need to go…."

"Right." He nodded in Marissa's direction, gestured at the house and mumbled "Gotta do this." And turned and walked away, speeding up as he increased the distance between them.

Marissa took a deep breath as she watched him go. Her system was worn out. This morning certainly had been a challenge. To make one decision, go to follow through, change your mind completely, have your new decision be made invalid because someone else changed THEIR mind and then offer marriage like you'd ask for ketchup with your fries was exhausting. Good lord. She got up on unsteady feet and hustled out to the car to meet a growingly impatient Summer.

"Get in the car Coop. You have got to tell me everything. Let's go."

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001

Ryan sat in the car, silently. Kirsten was driving them and Seth was babbling on about his latest fight with Summer. Ryan didn't know what it was about and he didn't care. His mind (and every part of him except the part sitting in the car) was still back at the poolhouse, going over the two words that had changed everything. Marry Marissa? Sure. He had thought about it before, once or twice. Maybe a bit more than that but somewhere in the future. He couldn't marry her, especially with this many problems between them. They broke up like, every week. And it's not like you can get a divorce every week, he thought. But maybe that was the point, if they were married, they couldn't always take the easy way out and maybe they could finally deal with their issues and get past everything, to something way more solid. They had been at that level since she moved in and it had just been the possibility of a breakup that had broken them up this time. Ryan thought about that for a minute and decided it made absolutely no sense. But neither had anything that had happened that day. He continued looking out the window. He hadn't noticed that the car stopped moving a full minute before and so Seth leaned forward and nudged his shoulder.

"Dude? Hello? You didn't have to think that hard about a solution. I'm romantic, I'll woo Summer back. Dude?" Seth kept shaking Ryan as he continued to brood.

"Seth, why don't you go tell the Newpsies we're here?" Kirsten nodded to him and Seth left to go inside. "Ryan? Sweetheart. What's wrong? Is everything okay?"

Ryan turned to talk to her but instead found he couldn't form words. He just stared at Kirsten for a full 30 seconds before he finally said "I'm not sure. You know when everything could be okay, or everything could go horribly wrong. And there is no one decision you can make, that will ensure one or the other. It's like either way we could destroy each other."

Kirsten nodded. "I'm not sure what happened between you two but I do know that you guys love each other. No one can tell you what to do, you'll just have to figure it out for yourselves."

Ryan nodded too. "Yeah, I know. I need her, but a lot of the time I cannot live with her. I'm not sure if staying and falling apart if it doesn't work, or going and breaking it off before it could ever really happen is best, you know?

"Yeah, I'm just not gonna pretend I do. I think you need to go with your heart on this one. And so here's what I'm going to do. I'm going inside, I'm sure Seth has talked everyone to sleep so I'll go and get everything organized. And I'll leave you here, with the keys. You either come in and join me with the keys or don't. And if you don't, I'll know where you went. Good luck." Kirsten smiled and laid a hand on Ryan's cheek. "No matter what you do, I love you and am so proud of you. I'll see you, whenever." And with that Kirsten got out of the car, and walked inside. Ryan didn't move at all for five minutes, debating. And then he unhooked his seatbelt and stepped out of the car.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001

"So, I don't get it, are you together? Are you broken up? Something isn't making sense here Coop. You said he heard you talking to Kirsten and mean but you explained that, and then he still wasn't okay with it? And that was it? How did he sound? Like after? You really aren't giving me much to go on here."

"I know, I'm sorry Sum, I'm still a little preoccupied. Um, he said 'this isn't over' what do you think he meant? Do you think he meant, I want to end this properly so we don't have to go over it again and Seth and Summer can still date without it getting awkward or do you think he meant, this isn't over because I just realized I want to be with you?"

Summer shifted her position on her chair. The two girls were resting by her pool, tanning. They had spent the past few hours talking about their relationships. Marissa had spent most of it thinking over what she had asked Ryan but she hadn't quite been able to tell Summer. Summer had talked about her latest feud with Seth but had once again resorted back to the Ryan and Marissa problem.

"Well, I couldn't tell you. All I know is you had better be ready for anything. But keep in mind how much he loves you, of course."

"Yeah I know." Marissa stretched a little as Summer's cell rang. She covered her eyes to glance over at her friend.

"It's Seth." Summer responded to the questioning look. "I'll just be a sec. Hey assface," She said, picking up the call. "What? No I haven't seen Atwood since last night. No Coop's been with me. Well, Kirsten was wrong, he isn't here. I don't know, am I psychic? Hang on." Summer turned to look at Marissa. "Apparently Atwood is AWOL and the Cohens are looking for him, did he mention to you anything about going anywhere or any reason he might go somewhere?"

Marissa's face fell. He was gone? He had left? But he had said they weren't done! What hadher two words done? She was stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. She managed to shrug her shoulders "No."

"Coop says no, dorkass. Yes I know that is not a real term. Bite me" and she hung up the phone. "Marissa? What's wrong, you look awful. Why are you crying?"

A tear slipped out and Marissa lost control. "I asked him to marry me. God, I'm such an idiot."

"You WHAT?" Summer roared. "We have been together for like EVER and this didn't come up?" Marissa's eyes narrowed. "Right, sooooooo not the point. But why would you…oh my god, are you pregnant? Coop!"

"No. No. I just, thought I was losing him and he said I wasn't taking us seriously and I realized I couldn't lose him and I wanted to show him I never wanted to again and it just…came out."

"What did Ryan say? How did he react?"

"He didn't do or say anything, except that this wasn't over and we would deal with it later. Now he's gone and nobody knows where. What did I do?"

"Oh… Coop, it's not your fault. Well I mean, it is but you know… you're a girl and your emotions change. You can't help it…he'll come back of course, I'm sure he probably had to just…" Summer stopped grasping, there really was nothing she could say. "He'll be back."

Marissa nodded but continued to cry onto her best friend's shoulder thinking back to a mere 24 hours ago when she had thought that this was what she'd needed all along.

**A/N- okay, I know I suck. I should have updated way more frequently but ever since the finale I have been so discouraged to write anything about RM. I'm pretty sure there was a time when just saying their names was difficult. Anyway, I will be updating this story way more frequently now that it is officially summer time and I have more free time to do it. Thanks to all my reviewers, keep on doing what you're doing! As always R&R, it makes it even more fun. Hope to update again within a few days!**


	20. Their moment

**A/N- Okay! I'm back. This post is going to be a long one because it was originally two chapters but I really wanted to get this up so I combined them, it seemed to flow better. Enjoy and once again, sorry about the length. Oh and thanks for the reviews guys and girls, much appreciated.**

Summer, Marissa and Seth stood together at the charity auction. Seth was looking around the room furtively and Marissa looked glum. Summer was talking, completely oblivious to the other two's current state.

"So, I mean, we're done high school! Well, all the important stuff, now we just live the good life, all summer. It should own. It's my favourite season; I mean that's probably a requirement, what with the name and all. Is that George Lucas?"

"What? Where?" Seth's head whipped around and faced Summer. Marissa shook her head slightly.

"Can't you tell sarcasm when you hear it, it's all that ever even comes out of your mouth." Marissa turned away, hercloudy mood clearly putting a damper on everyone else's night.

"Uh… sorry Sum, I was looking for Mom, I just wanted to ask about, well, Ryan."

"Seth." Sandy was standing next to Summer and Marissa. "Can I talk to you for a second?" Seth looked confused but agreed and both Sandy and Seth left the two girls alone.

"Look, maybe I should just go home, I'm not brightening anyone's day, I can tell you that." Marissa shrugged and looked defeated. They had gone all afternoon without hearing from Ryan and even it seemed the Cohen's were getting worried. They had called his cell phone but all they got was the answering machine. Marissa had tried calling but couldn't leave a message, she wasn't sure what to say. She wasn't sure if she wanted to take it back or leave the question on the table.

"You can't Coop, we're your ride and Seth has to stay for a bit longer but why don't we just leave early, in like 30 minutes? You can wait that long, it won't kill you or anything."

"Okay fine, but then we get to have a depressing day tomorrow with ice cream and Legends of the Fall."

"Oh yes but Brad Pitt with long blond hair is anything but depressing."

Marissa smiled and continued talking about the following day with Summer. Meanwhile, Sandy and Seth had been talking since they walked away.

"So you finally got through to him. And he is coming home?" Seth asked.

"Well, he said he had some things to think about and think through. He also asked a favour. He said that he knew Kirsten and I were sleeping with at Julie's tonight and he wanted to see if he could arrange it so he was alone tonight or something. He wanted you to call him on his cell like five minutes before you leave. He said that was important so don't forget." Sandy nodded at Seth, to make sure he understood.

"Okay, I get it, wait until Marisa hears this. She has been a SERIOUS pain in the— "

"Oh, yeah, he said not to tell her." Sandy added.

Seth's jaw dropped a little. "What? Oh I am so not good with the stealth missions. I can't make any promises." He gave his Dad a pat on the shoulder and headed back to Summer and Marissa. "So apparently, one of the table legs was really shorter than the other and it was causing one of the older ladies to think we were having an earthquake so Dad wanted me to uh…look at it with him."

"Your Dad asked you for help with manual labour? But I'm here." Summer said. Seth smirked at her and stuck out his tongue. "Oh, look at my boyfriend, so suave and mature."

"I didn't know you knew what suave meant. It's such a big word for you."

Marissa watched the two of them squabble for the next few minutes. She seriously had this need to be with Ryan and she didn't know where he was, and he didn't want her to. That was probably the part that hurt the most. She'd bared her soul to him and he had put her off, and ran away. It was so unlike him. Watching Seth and Summer made her see how much more she missed Ryan. Loneliness enveloped her and she finally couldn't take it anymore.

"Guys, I think I'll just take a taxi, I really can't be here anymore."

Seth whirled around. "No, you can't do that. Wait right here, and I will show you why."

Seth ran off and pulled out his cell phone, he went out onto the patio and dialled Ryan's cell. He picked up on the second ring.

"Ryan? So Marissa's going to leave like… now? I thought you wanted to know, not sure why, I'll just tell her to go to the Roberts' house and sleep at Summer's since you want the night alone. I think Summer and Marissa made plans for tomorrow, so it won't be a problem."

Ryan stopped Seth from babbling. "No. Just, you can't let her leave yet. I lied to Sandy, I don't want the house alone it's just, I have a surprise for her and if she leaves early, it won't be ready. Five minutes Seth, and then let her go." And with that, the other end of the phone went dead.

"What? Hello? Ryan? How am I supposed to…What the hell?" Seth slammed his phone closed and walked back inside where he caught Marissa trying to edge away from Summer and head to the door.

"Well, what is it? Did you find Ryan?"

"Well no, it was just that I um, have not danced with you tonight! And I thought that we should do that because really, I've always wanted to dance to um, what is this? Save the last dance for me? Well, ironically I think I am taking you home, so it fits right?" Marissa just stared at him. You know, the lyrics for the song…so donèt forget whose taking you home…right, you don't but let's have the last dance anyway!" Seth pulled a bewildered Marissa out onto the dancefloor, leaving behind an equally shocked and confused Summer. Kirsten and Sandy walked up to Summer. Sandy just gawked.

"What is going on with him?"

"I don't know but he's been acting really weird tonight, then again, he is Seth, so…"

"Yeah, I can't even explain this one." Kirsten added and laughed as a breathless, tired Seth walked back to the group with Marissa in tow.

"Woohoo!" Seth said, he was secretly cheering that the 5 minutes of postponement was finally done. "That was awesome, you have some moves. A little Shakira Shakira"

"Uh, whatever. So, I'm gonna go okay guys? I'll see you back at the house." Marissa said but Sandy shook his head.

"No, why don't you go to the Roberts', and we'll all leave in a bit, I don't want you to have to stay home alone when we're all going to be together." Sandy put an arm around Marissa. Seth glared at his father, he needed to somehow signal that Ryan had lied and needed Marissa to go to their house after all. "Of course it has to be alright with you Summer, it is your house."

"Well, I don't know Mr. Cohen, you asked for Seth's help with that table leg earlier when I was available, I don't know if I can forgive you for that." Summer winked at Seth.

"What table leg?" Sandy asked, crossing his arms and turning to Seth. Summer did the same.

"So you lied?" Marissa asked. "What were you doing? Was it about Ryan?"

"Oh, well you see it was…" Seth didn't finish before Sandy, Summer and Marissa started talking at once, all discussing separate things. Seth just shrugged and struggled, he didn't know how to get out of it.

"Oh my god." Kirsten said, pointing. Summer looked up too, since she was facing the same way. "Oh my god, it's Ryan!" She said.

"Nice try Summer but you're not going to fool me twice with that prank on the same night." Seth shook his head. Marissa turned and there he was. In a suit. And looking amazing.

He had quickly parked the car and jogged up the stairs into the banquet hall. He had stood at the top of the entranceway surveying the crowd, looking for signs of his family.

And then he had seen her, only the back of her but he had known it was her none the less. And he felt his heart shudder a little. He hadn't moved when Kirsten had reacted and he couldn't move when Marissa turned. She looked stunningly beautiful. He couldn't quite put into words how she looked, except that the dress she was wearing, a nice red colour, was making her almost irresistible. Even when they were fighting, she still managed to make him want her. But he knew that couldn't be what tonight was about.

"Holy shit!" Seth finally said when he turned, "it really is him."

He walked down the stairs slowly. Keeping his eyes only on Marissa, he made his way to the group. He turned to Sandy and Kirsten. "Sorry about today. Just needed to make that decision." He said, nodding in Kirsten's direction. "Marissa? Can we talk? I think we have some stuff to…" he trailed off, not wanting to finish in front of other people.

"Sure." She said. She was shaking and him looking so good wasn't helping. She could only hope she hadn't already lost him.

"Okay, Seth, thanks again for stalling, I couldn't tell you why but you know, thanks anyway."

"Wait a minute, you KNEW?" Summer smacked Seth in the arm. "You are so paying for that Cohen."

"We'll see you guys." Ryan touched Marissa's elbow and guided her to the exit. It was all the contact he could possibly allow himself so that he could remember everything he wanted to say to her. Marissa was just keeping pace, unable to say anything, feeling the immense tension both normal and sexual surrounding them.

"Where are we going?" She finally said, breaking the silence as Ryan opened her door for her.

"Just to the house."

"But you look so nice?" Marissa commented. Ryan blushed a little and so did she.

"Thanks but I couldn't show up here in a t-shirt exactly. You look… awesome too."

"Thanks."

He started the car and they drove for a few minutes in total silence. Marissa couldn't take it anymore so she finally broke it.

"So, are we going to ignore this morning completely because I don't think I can do that. We both said a lot of heavy things and it will weigh us down if we just ignore them."

"I know. Just, I'd rather not be driving, I want us to talk and clear up whatever."

Marissa nodded. She still wasn't sure what that meant for their relationship. Would they resolve the morning's issues and stay together or just agree that it would be too hard and break up. She really wasn't sure she could handle the last option. Finally Ryan pulled into the Cohen driveway and they got out of the car. He led the way to the poolhouse and opened up the door. A few candles were lit and a single rose was on the bed. Marissa felt her heart ease a little. Everything in front of her was looking pretty good for her.

"Why don't we change first?" She asked.

"You can, I'm going to just stay like this, I have only been in it for like 40 minutes."

Marissa nodded and decided to wait too, she really wanted to talk it over. "Okay so… who starts?"

Ryan took one of her hands and guided her to the bed and sat her down. "Well, I don't know. I've spent all day thinking. We had such an amazing night last night. We both know that we did. That will never be disputed. It's this morning that is what is hard to figure out I don't want to break up with you, I never have."

"Oh I know! Me too, I--"

"Wait." Ryan put a finger to her lips. "Let me say my stuff before you do okay?"

She nodded to him and he continued. "It's not what I've ever wanted but… I don't want to fight with you and I don't want this to be a one-sided relationship where I'm caring the most and you aren't. And I don't want you to give up what you want to have me, I don't mind if you need to go to a university that's far but that doesn't mean I don't still want us to be together. We could make anything work. If we just tried. I really thought about this today, if we just stay committed, I think it could work."

"Oh Ryan." She leaned forward and kissed him. He held her for a moment before pulling back.

"I'm…I'm not done." He looked away and stared at the wall for a few seconds. "Um, this morning, you asked me to marry you and I just, why? Did you mean it?"

Marissa blushed a little. "I mean I don't know, at the time, I knew I couldn't lose you. And I wanted to prove it. I love you Ryan. And I know we're young and there are so many reasons why we should wait of course but in that one second I couldn't think of any."

Ryan nodded at her. "That's funny, al day I was thinking over what you had said. It took me a while to get over the shock of marriage in general. And then I really thought about it. And I came up with a whole bunch of reasons why it would not be a good idea."

Marissa nodded, she didn't know why what he was saying was hurting her, she didn't think she'd actually meant the proposal.

"But you know what?" Ryan asked, touching her chin and forcing her to look into his eyes. "None of those reasons matched up to the one reason I had for yes. I love you and I want to have a future with you and a family some day. Sure times get hard but I think with this commitment, it would solidify us."

"Wait, Ryan what are you saying?" Her eyes were starting to get misty.

"I'm saying if the offer is still on table, I'd like one lifetime with you, if you'll have me."

"Oh my god. Oh my god. Ryan, do you know what you're saying? At least I suggested marriage in the heat of the moment of insanity. What am I supposed to say to that. Oh, god." She clutched her heart and took a deep breath. "I don't even have a ring? Am I supposed to? I don't know what happens when the girl asks."

Ryan took her hand and calmed her before kneeling to the floor before her. "It so happens that I thought along the same lines. And I knew that I wanted you to have an engagement ring, so, I took today and went out and found the perfect one for you. So, Marissa Cooper, will you do me the honour of becoming Mrs. Ryan Atwood?" he opened the box and Marissa started at the beautiful diamond ring he had bought her. It was stunning.

"Holy. Holy wow. How did you? How could you? How did it? Wow."

"You like it?" He asked.

"Oh wow. Ryan it's too much, I really can't…"

"Can't? I really don't want to hear negativity while I'm asking you to marry me. And speaking of which, you haven't answered."

"Oh.Ryan. Let me have a minute just so I can say this properly. I thought last night would be the end of us. And I thought it would be okay because it had been perfection. But I woke up and I just knew that I wanted every night after it to be perfection too. And I have never experienced such pain and fear as I did this morning when you suggested that maybe we break up. And that's when I knew Ryan Atwood. That's when I knew without any doubts that no other man would ever make me happy. So, yes, yes I will marry you!" She kissed him passionately and he kissed her back with all the shared intensity that had always been between them and they both fell backwards onto the bed.

"Wait until Summer sees THIS." Marissa exclaimed pulling away so that Ryan could put the ring on her finger. "I told her I proposed, I don't think she'd be expecting me to the be the one wearing a ring. Oh and wait until Seth hears too! Unless, does he know? Did he know all along?"

"No, this was something I decided after something that Kirsten said to me today." Ryan put an arm around Marissa as they cuddled on the bed. He turned around and picked up the rose. "This is for you. I was going to lead with it but I'll be honest and tell you I forgot. But I want you to have it. To symbolize how simple I think our relationship can be, I love you and you love me. That's all we need. I tried to think up a billion different ways to propose, but it all came down to where we are the most comfortable, and where we've been living for the past few months, almost already like we're married."

She took the rose from him and put it on the table beside the bed. "I'll put that in water in the morning. It's perfect."

Ryan kissed her neck softly. "I'm glad you like it. Now, I needed to look fancy when I asked but this tux is really not feeling good, so maybe we should lose some layers?" he inquired, lightly brushing a hand over Marissa's chest as he hugged her a little closer.

"Definitely. Why not all of them?" She asked. He smiled and responded, "your wish, my command."

"Remember you said that." Marissa giggled out and smiled even wider.

"I have a feeling I'll regret that."

"Oh you will. You will." She giggled and again and pulled him on top of her, preparing to spend their first night together as fiances completely naked.

**A/N- alright good news is I updated, bad news is I don't have the next chapter ready so there will probably be an extra day delay but don't worry, I'm on it. Just enjoy.**


	21. The reveal

**A/N- Okay so anotherupdate in the saga.**

Marissa Cooper awoke with an enormous grin on her face. Actually, she thought, it's soon-to-be Marissa Atwood waking up. Her grin expanded even further with that thought. She shifted her body a bit so she could get a better view of the man who would soon be her husband. He was so amazing, she thought. The sheet was drifting just over his waist, barely covering anything. He had a hint of scruffiness on his face and the trace of a smile was on his lips. He was so cute. She brushed a piece of his hair away from his eyes so she could study him better. This would be the way they could start every single morning of the rest of their lives.

It was funny but she was not even afraid of it being every morning, all of her life, in fact she was looking so forward to it. That was how she knew it was right.

Ryan stirred a little in his sleep. His eyes didn't open though so Marissa just stilled, trying to have a few minutes just to watch him sleep. His smile got a little bigger and he grumbled something that sounded a lot like "mmm Marissa."

She grinned so much that it hurt, and she noticed that Ryan was starting to get midly aroused in sleep. She leaned over and kissed him so deeply and straddled him. His eyes slowly opened and he saw what was going on.

"The best part of waking up…" He murmured, before they started the day, with some wild sex.

* * *

"Okay, wait. She asked him to MARRY her? And then what happened!" It was still the next morning but the Cohens and Summer were driving back to the house after breakfast with Julie and Neil. They were all gossiping about Ryan and Marissa but then Summer had let out the biggest detail yet and Seth was having trouble breathing. 

"Calm down Cohen. Yeah she did but I guess we interrupted, you know to go prepare for the Gala or whatever so he didn't get a chance to react or anything. But like, I'm sure they've gotten everything straight, I talked it over with Coop and I don't think anything like that happened, so can we all pretend like I didn't spill that?"

"Oh sure, Summer. I'm sure Ryan and Marissa wouldn't get married at 18, it's just so young….too young, you know. Ryan's always been practical, they're good kids, but I bet you they are back together." Sandy added into the conversation, as he pulled into the Cohen driveway.

Kirsten nodded, feeling slightly uneasy. She was unsure if she was the one who had counselled Marissa into the decision and she didn't want that to be the case at all. "Well, I guess we'll find out soon."

"Wait, so she asked him before we left and he said nothing to me in the car on the way to the place yesterday? Why would he do that?" Seth was still bewildered he had not known at all.

"Um, maybe because he didn't want half of Newport to know what happened between them, now shut up, Seth." Summer smacked his arm as they walked into the house. "So should you go ask Coop? And I go ask Ryan or…?"

"Um, Cohen, it's Ryan and Marissa, what in their history would ever lead you to believe they wouldn't both be in the pool… pool right now?" Summer just caught on to Seth's obvious attempt at saving Ryan and Marissa if they had spent the night together in the poolhouse.

"The pool?" Sand questioned, as the four walked towards the backyard.

Meanwhile, Ryan and Marissa had just finished what seemed like their hundredth roll in the sheets. Ryan was just catching his breath and Marissa was staring at the ceiling, wondering if she'd ever be able to move again.

"I'm so hungry." Ryan complained.

"I hope to god you mean for food." Marissa. Ryan gave her a smirk and wrapped his arms around her tightly, pulling her on top of him.

"Yes. Although I'm never full of you, I don't think I ever can be." Ryan kissed the tip of her nose. "So why don't we go fuel up so we can come back here and let out some more steam." He shoved her to the side and smiled. "I'll race you." He jumped up and grabbed a pair of boxers.

"Ryan! That's not fair, I have to put more on!" She rolled out of bed and scrambled to find her underwear.

"Here." He passed her his wifebeater and a grin spread across his face. "I dare you." She smiled wickedly.

"So now you have to decide if you want to win the race or you want to watch me run." Marissa walked ahead of him and turned her head to look at him as she walked out the door. "You're just lucky this is long enough to cover enough."

"Sure, although not everything." Ryan stepped out of the door just as Marissa turned back to the house and they both froze. Standing before them were Seth, Summer and a completely shocked Sandy and Kirsten.

"So I guess they have new styles of bathing suits this year…" Seth tried to end the silence.

"Seth!" Sandy, Kirsten and Summer all said.

Marissa and Ryan had not moved and everyone was staring at them. Neither of them had considered the fact people would be coming back to the house and they would have to share what had happened with everyone. It had been so fun to be just alone, it was like they could pretend they already were married.

Ryan finally stepped up to Marissa and took her hand and kind of blocked everyone's view of her. He wasn't sure he could glaze everything over by just saying 'it's okay, we're engaged' while he and Marissa stood by the pool almost naked. So instead he cleared his throat and waited for someone else to say something. Marissa was equally mortified that her future family had almost seen her naked.

Finally, Summer decided to say something because no one else had said a thing. "Um, so you guys are okay again? That's…" She trailed off, not sure exactly what to say. "I'm happy for you." She smiled at them.

Sandy and Kirsten looked at each other. "Well this isn't what I expected to come home to. Why don't you guys go get dressed, I guess there are some things we'd like to discuss with you then."

Ryan nodded and slowly started backing up, knowing that Marissa probably shouldn't turn around and risk showing anything. Marissa also nodded slightly, her face was so red and she couldn't form words. They backed into the poolhouse and closed the door.

"Well. That was…" Sandy started to say. He wasn't sure how to finish so he just stopped.

"Awkward. Weird. Ryan and Marissa nearly naked." Seth finished for him.

"Seth!" They all chastised again. He shrugged his shoulders. "What?" He asked, "It's true, you saw, you were here!"

They all shook their heads and turned and headed in the house, to await the fully clothed couple.

At the same time, Ryan and Marissa were standing in silence in the poolhouse, neither had moved or said anything since the door had shut. Ryan turned to look at Marissa. She looked so horrified and embarrassed that he had to laugh, so he did.

Her face went from horror to anger in a second. "Don't you laugh at me Ryan Atwood, that is the most embarrassed I have ever been in my life! That was worse than when Seth walked in on us. Oh my god, there is nothing worse than that. For the love of your own life, you'd better stop laughing." But he continued to laugh so she started to chase him in just the wife beater and before she knew it, she had tackled him and they were giggling on the bed together in a mass of limbs. "okay, so maybe it was a little funny." Marissa said.

Ryan held her close to him and smiled, "Yeah, and at least it gave us a minute to come in here and talk about how we approach the…us… you know." Ryan fumbled around.

"You can't say it?" Marissa asked playfully, batting her eyelashes at him. He grinned.

"How do we tell them we're getting married?" He finished off and her face spread into a smile before she realized what he was asking and her face twisted into a bit of confusion.

"I don't know, I think they'll just be happy for us, don't you?"

"Well, I don't know, we are only 18 and as sure as we are, they don't know how we feel exactly so, it might take a while to come around. I'm a little bit more concerned about them never leaving us alone now that the one night they did, we strutted out of the poolhouse in nothing but one pair of pyjamas between us both."

Marissa laughed at him and kissed him again. We'd better get out there, I don't think we have time for a shower either, considering they're waiting…"

"Well we have time for one shower." Ryan said and he pulled her to the bathroom.

* * *

"Okay, where the hell are they? Or what are they doing? Should we send in a search party?" Seth whispered, sitting in the kitchen with Summer. She smacked his arm. 

"Shut up Cohen, they already got caught once today."

"What are you guys whispering about? Sandy and Kirsten stepped into the kitchen.

"Are they still not out yet?" Kirsten asked.

"Well, actually what happened was--" Seth tried to put out an explanation but he was interrupted as Ryan and Marissa walked in.

"Sorry about that, Marissa wanted to shower and so I waited."

"Why's your hair wet?" Seth asked.

Ryan shot him a death glare but managed to keep his cool and casually said "Oh, I just slipped in right after her." Trying not to look at Marissa as he said the words, knowing she was the only person who knew the absolute truth to the words that he had just spoken.

"So. I guess there's a lot to talk about. I just wanted to say I appreciate you guys being cool out there, um…"

"Well, we do need to talk about that. We're pretty liberal but coming home to that is not exactly something I would want." Sandy said.

"Yeah, me either." Seth added. Ryan grabbed a bagel and threw it at Seth who missed the catch and it hit him in the face. "Ow."

"Shut up man, Marissa and I um, as you can tell are back together, or I mean, we were apart for like a day but we're back together and this time for good." Ryan started, he paused to look over at her as she smiled at him and squeezed his hand to show some support. "But there's something a bit different this time. And uh, I guess we can both thank Kirsten for it." Sandy, Seth, Summer and Kirsten had all shared a glance of disbelief when Ryan had said 'for good', it always seemed permanence eluded Ryan and Marissa. Yet when he mentioned Kirsten they all were shocked, Kirsten the most.

"Um what? I didn't do anything I just told you to listen to your hearts." She smiled at them both. "When you're young, so many emotions cloud your judgment so it's best when someone lays it our for you. You guys have so much to look forward to in your futures but right now you make each other happy. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out."

Ryan smiled and pulled Marissa into his side, tucking her as close as possible. "Yeah, we both agree. More than you know. And that's why we wanted to say thank you. For making us realize how much we meant to each other and always will. After our talk I knew what I had to do and what I needed to do to set everything to perfection."

"Yeah, and after you forced me to see that I couldn't leave Ryan behind, I finally realized my true feelings for him and the depth for them and so that's how we…well… that's what started this whole idea that we should…" Marissa bit her lip and just caught sight of Summer who was the only one who was sort of catching on to what Ryan and Marissa were about to announce.

"Oh my god! You didn't? You aren't…" She questioned.

"Yeah," Ryan smiled and kissed Marissa on the mouth as she hugged him and turned to Summer.

"Can someone please tell me what's going on?" Seth demanded.

Ryan nodded his head. Summer got up from her chair. Marissa held onto Ryan's hand looking at Summer and then the Cohen's. Ryan quickly spoke. "Yes, I can. We're engaged!" Ryan held out Marissa's hand for inspection as Summer stood in her spot staring and the rest of the Cohen family gaped at the couple.

**A/N-okayyyyy. So there goes that chapter, it's a bit of fluff since the next is a bit more serious. so I have an idea about what I want to do with the fic but I like to get thoughts from the audience so if you want to see a messy breakup so they can reunite or if you want them to ride away into the sunset, just have your say, or if you want to leave it up to fate, let me know, feedback only improves the writing process from what I'm told :)**


End file.
